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April 02, 2002

Shame das why

When I was a young boy, I was amazed to learn that my friend never received spankings from his parents. Being one that got my own share of lickins and whacks, I wondered how this could be true. In my mind, I thought every parent used the belt as the ultimate motivator for the occasional naughty child. "But if you never get spankings, how do your parents make you do stuff?" I asked. "Shame, das why," he said matter of factly.

As years passed, I began to understand the powerful infulence that shame had on my friend, and has on many others in our island culture. For some, it is the prime motivator to do or not to do certain things. Sometimes, I think shame gets in the way of doing the things we really desire to do, then there are other times where I wish more people would allow shame to influence their lives.

Posted by at April 02, 2002 02:08 PM

Comments

 
Posted by Ryan on April 2, 2002 2:44 PM:

Well put. Shame sometimes holds us back when it shouldn't, but it sometimes doesn't stop us when it should. I know in my family, as you described, it was more of a motivator/discourager than spankings or other types of discipline.

I wonder if its presumed stronger influence in Hawaii is more directly tied to the strong Asian presence? Shame is among the ultimate punishments in many Japanese or Chinese communities - to be avoided at all costs. Also, shame for an individual in a community seems to be a lesser form of transgression than shame for a person as a representative of a family. It's not that you look like a fool, as much as it is you make your kin look like fools.

Still, the downside of being held back is significant. It might foster humility, but it also leads to insecurity. It frustrates me to wonder what great thoughts, what great art, we might be missing as a result of a fear of being the "nail that sticks up."

Great first post.

 
Posted by ali on April 2, 2002 10:06 PM:

Shame, the up close and personal relative of Guilt--yep, I know them both pretty well. I do, however, know Miss Guava Stick, Mr. Garden Hose, Ms. Ruler, and their friends TOO WELL.

When I was little, I used to yodel. Serious kine. I wanted to be a country singer. My Japanese mother sat me down and gave me the "There are no Japanese country singers" speech. It was shame to go around yodeling. Well, I don't know that I could have been a successful country singer but I never tried.

 
Posted by honukai on April 3, 2002 8:50 AM:

Shame didn't exist in my family...so I got the belt.
And I justify everything I do now...Not quite sure if it's a good or bad thing. Guess I'll find out when I have kids:)

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