[ talkstory Category ]
June 13, 2002

Parental Guidance

Since Father's Day is coming up pretty soon - and, no, don't act like you forgot about it - maybe now's a good time to talk about the things we've learned from our fathers - and, come to think of it, our parents.

I've written a lot about what I've learned from my folks, lately, mostly because some of the advice they have given me has gone beyond the usual greeting-card cliches - and mostly because my parents are, to put it quite bluntly, unsentimental people. (I remember shopping for greeting cards with my Mom for my grandmother - RIP - and when I showed her one particularly sweet card, she sniffed and said, "Since when did your Lola ever make cookies for you? She doesn't even know how to use an oven, Anak.")

The important thing about my parents was that they were anything but the stereotypical "Pilipino peyrents" - not just because they were younger and more educated, but because they had a very modern approach to parenting. They asked for respect, but they also had to learn how to respect us - first as kids, and later as adults - which is why I'm grateful that they gave me my freedom.

I distinctly remember how I used to hate my folks because they weren't as sensitive as I was about a lot of things, like politics and self-esteem. Now that I think about it, though, all they wanted to tell me was that, regardless of all the prejudice and injustice in the world, what it all boils down to is 1) if you do your work and 2) if you do it well. You have no right to complain about the problems of the world when you're not holding up your end of the bargain.

But other than that, I'm just as grateful for the more basic skills they've taught me which I never thought would come handy - ironing pants, calling for reservations, shining shoes, avoiding hangovers...

Posted by Stella at June 13, 2002 08:31 AM

Comments

 
Posted by NemesisVex on June 13, 2002 8:35 PM:

My parents left me with the desire never to have kids of my own. Granted, I'm not wired to feel any attraction toward the opposite gender, but even with all the miracles of science readily available, I won't be using any of them to reproduce.

I'm not going to risk passing on my world view to a child. I'm sensible enough not to be that cruel.

 
Posted by Ryan on June 13, 2002 10:16 PM:

I can't quantify a single thing I learned from my parents, but I know they had a lot to do with who I am.

I went to a public school, I had a moderately colorful juvenile record... but yet I think I turned out pretty well in the long run. Since I've seen many of the people with whom I shared various "influential" factors as a kid and teenager facing rough times today, I can only credit mom and dad, for whatever they did, to bring me up right.

Or at least seventy-nine percent right, which is good enough for me.

The only thing that never ceases to creep me out is the adage about becoming one's parents. I mean, I'm much closer to my mom than my dad, and I once wrote an essay about how I wanted to be everything my dad wasn't (I was the quintessential moody adolescent, what can I say?)... and yet while I think I'm meeting many of my ideals and goals (which seemed anti-dad when they were set), I'm also seeing a lot of my dad in me regardless.

 
Posted by Albert on June 14, 2002 9:53 AM:

"My parents left me with the desire never to have kids of my own."

Ditto.

 
Posted by Linkmeister on June 14, 2002 3:58 PM:

Direct quote from my father: "You do what you think best; I'm sure you'll do the right thing."

This has been a good or bad thing all my life! ;)

 
Posted by Vivi on June 14, 2002 4:09 PM:

I have those stereotypical Pilipino parents Stella mentioned. I've tried to find things that my parents have taught me, but I'm finding it very difficult. I'm grateful for the opportunities they've given me by coming to America, but I really don't share much else with them.

There's a theory that we are shaped by our environment as much as (or even more than) we are by our genes. I'm truly in agreement with this. How else would I have ended up so completely different than my parents?

I still love them to death, even though I can't understand them very often. ::feeling a bit like Lisa Simpson at the moment::

Hugh (Lisa's future boyfriend): You make fun of your family more than anyone else.

Lisa: That may be, but I still love them!

 
Posted by jeff on June 14, 2002 5:44 PM:

The following is a paragragh taken from a June 8, 2002 entry I wrote in my journal:

I am fortunate to have such loving parents. Through all the adventures, they have been there with me. Despite my inconsistencies and my desire to dabble and to experience new things, my parents have continued to be there. They have witnessed and shared my excitement for the new experience, and have given their encouragement in such times. They have also seen me tire to exhaustion and quit on myself, and at these times they have offered their support and understanding. Through illness and affliction, joy and sorrow, they have always believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. They have gone far beyond what is expected of a parent, and have given a friendship of which there is no equal. Without their love and support, my journey would have been far less fulfilling.

 
Posted by Ruth on June 15, 2002 10:40 AM:

I grew up in a theologically conservative family. My dad retired recently after 29 years as a Southern Baptist minister (my oldest brother now is a pastor, too). Growing up, I was proud of my faith and fearlessly defended it. But over the past several years, I began to shift away from the doctrine, and I found it difficult to separate what to keep and what to leave behind. About a year and a half ago, I experienced the deepest rift with my parents. It wasn't volatile, but quiet, almost solemn. It was difficult to be at home with them because we'd clash on so many fundamental issues. I could sense they were disappointed and saddened and frightened over my new direction. It was hard for them and me to not take things personally. But time has done what I thought unimaginable. We learned how to love and accept each other without pushing each other away. My parents got used to my "out there" ideas (though never agreeing with them) and I began to find their ideas beautiful, still. I came to the point where I couldn't fault them for being who they were and thinking what they thought. I began to see that the energy and spirit with which they embrace their own ideas - not the ideas themselves - make my parents beautiful. Within the last six months, I have been able to appreciate deeply how they undergirded my life with years and years of boundless love. This love was not manufactured by doctrine, but came from another place, much deeper than that. The inner core of who they are is really bigger than doctrine, and I'm glad I see that ... finally. It is this love that has allowed me to take frightful leaps and still feel good about who I am. My father is a solid soul with a peaceful spirit. I don't agree with all his ideas, but the fiber of which he is made is strong and pure. It's no lighthearted wish when I say, "I want to be just like my dad."

 
Posted by jeff on June 15, 2002 11:46 AM:

Ruth, what a beautiful testament of your love for your parents. It is truely a blessing that you were able to find and appreciate the boundless love your parents have for you, and at the same time, I am certain that your love for them is stronger than it has ever been before.

Isn't it great what can evolve with a little passing of time and a continued desire to become whole? I'm sure you know full well, that your life will never be the same again. Congratulations on your discovery.

 
Posted by Ruth on June 15, 2002 3:58 PM:

Thank you, Jeff! You're right. Discoveries make life such a grande thing.

 
Posted by Tom on June 15, 2002 7:19 PM:

I am becoming my Dad. I find myself doing things and saying things exactly the way he does. Kinda scary yet funny.

 
Posted by honukai on June 16, 2002 7:57 AM:

All My parents have ever wished upon me is to have kids like me. I know they think of it as a bad thing, but y'kno, I think of it as a good thing.

Am I missing something?

 
Posted by Linkmeister on June 16, 2002 9:20 AM:

Ruth: Absolutely beautiful.

Honukai: I'd take that as one helluva compliment.

 
Posted by NemesisVex on June 16, 2002 9:40 AM:

It's exactly because I know I'd act just like my dad that I will never have children.

 
Posted by Stella on June 16, 2002 1:39 PM:

See, that's the thing. Being the youngest child - and not to mention the only child left in the family who's unmarried and childless - I've already resigned myself to the inevitability of turning into either or both of my parents. It's not like my parents are perfect or anything; Lord knows that all three of us knew that we could all do better than our Dad, who at his worst was not above displaying unhealthy behavior to his own children. (And by "unhealthy" I don't mean beer and cigarettes with chicken-giblet adobo.) Compared to the ugly side of our family life, inheriting certain mannerisms (ie. that certain tone of voice that's used to talk to the kids when they're getting too belligerent with each other) and eccentricities ("Take off that jacket, anak, you're making me warm") comes as a certain relief.

(It also comes as a certain relief that my pamangkin - Sis and Bro's kids - have so far showed signs of turning up like us, in certain ways. Though I'd be concerned if their kids turned out more like me, heh heh.)

Personally, if there's anything bad that I fear I've inherited from my dad, it's the never-ending hospital bill I'll be facing from a lifetime of smoking, drinking, lack of exercise, and overworking myself to the point of being an unpleasant person. Something tells me I ought to get those cholesterol levels checked.

All anti-commercialism and anti-capitalist sentiments aside, Happy Father's Day to everyone!

 
Posted by ali on June 16, 2002 4:35 PM:

Happy Father's Day!

It was only after I had kids of my own did I really appreciate my folks. We're so different in many of our viewpoints and even values. Whether through the marvels of genetics or sheer irony, I can sound just like my mother. It's scary. The things that I swore as a child that I would never say . . . seem to natually flow from my very own mouth so many years later. It's funny and maddening all at the same time!

 
Posted by bunny on June 17, 2002 7:36 AM:

Linkmeister, you didn't know Honukai when she was growing up. She taxed my parents to no end (still does! ha ha!).

So you can see that they're not really thinking of it as a compliment...

 
Posted by honukai on June 17, 2002 9:05 AM:

Wait a minute! Now I may not have been America's poster child, I'm no scum to society, either. I'm a registered voter, pay my taxes, and don't abuse the unemployment system. OK, so I speed more than I should, and may have had my share of run-in's with the law, but I'm not causing anyone to turn in their grave.

So I'm not a rocket scientist or finding a cure to cancer, but really, I'm not a *bad* person.

I don't rip off family to fund my drug habit or run off to another state to hide from the law. So if you consider I am (was) a problem child because I can manipulate and decieve and lie, well, then that's just one person's opinion!

You have to admit, regardless of my past, I turned out pretty well considering...

 
Posted by Joy on June 17, 2002 1:57 PM:

A little late but nonetheless here are my 2 cents:

I don't think I thought much about what my father taught me until he passed away two years ago (June 15, 2000). Ironically, it was the people who came to pay their respects to my mom, brother, and myself that I realized the most important lesson I learned from him: be generous with yourself. Sounds almost like a cliche but, really, that is what my father did until the day he died.

For example, my dad would drive people in our community to the doctor who couldn't drive anymore. He would also help out other widows in the community who lost their husbands but didn't know much about finances. He would also spend time with our neighbors and helped them out whenever he could. Subsequently, all these people came over and told us how much my dad did for them. And my dad did this in his small way--very quietly and unassuming.

One of the best stories was of our neighbor who had adopted two boys (brothers) within the last year. He told me that his wife could not have children and wanted to adopt a child. These boys were available and they only wanted to adopt one since they had never adopted children and wasn't sure how older children would do. But my dad told our neighbor that he should adopt both of them and, yes, they would have difficulty in the beginning but that it would be worth it. And they did end up adopting the brothers and he told us that it was the best decision they ever made. My dad gave generously of himself...

This is the lesson he taught me. As for my mom, she is still alive and healthy and I continue to learn from her endlessly.

P.S. Thank you to Stella for posting this question. I appreciate the chance to remember my dad.

 
Posted by bunny on June 18, 2002 3:46 AM:

That's my sister, master manipulator! No, she's not evil, she's not even bad. She's rather funny, actually. While I know our parents are teasing her, I know they are not-so-secretly hoping that she'll learn how hard it is to raise a rambunctious girl who is always getting in to everything! (bachi!) Of course, this being our family, baby will most likely turn out to be quiet and bookwormy and never get into trouble with the law. I'm hoping that she'll wear black all the time and proclaim that she is "Strange and Unusual." If so, Aunty Bunny has many things to teach her. heh heh.

Meanwhile, I think what we learned from our father:

1. It's no use arguing with your wife, she's much better at it.

2. Always have an outside hobby.

3. Vacations aren't vacations unless you're driving more than a thousand miles and seeing all the National Parks you can possibly cram into each day.

and lastly,

4. All you really need is a family for non-stop entertainment.

:)

Post a Comment

Name:


Email Address:


URL:


Comments:


Remember info?



« DC-area Kamaaina events | News at Ten... Or So »
[ HawaiiAnswers.com - You ask, Hawaii answers. ] [ HawaiiAnswers.com - Hawaii's first online news source. ] [ HawaiiAnswers.com - Let's talk story. ]
Main Page  ::  © 2002-2004 HawaiiStories  ::  E-Mail