Some Thoughts on Flatulation
“A very famous writer is known to have said “What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”. Just the same, a fart is still a fart, no matter what you call it. Whether it’s “passing gas”, “breaking wind”, “dropping the bomb”, “turning one loose”, “making a fluffy”,”ripping one”, or squeezing one off, you can call it anything and the bottom line is that it still stinks. But not to everyone that smells it, though. Let’s be honest now! When it’s YOU who did it, it stinks to everyone else but doesn’t really smell that bad to you, now does it? Think about THIS! If someone near you passes gas and it really DOESN’T smell that bad, who’s going to be the one to say, “Hmmmmm, that smells pretty good. Do it again!” It’ll never happen.
Guys will fart anytime, anywhere and usually not even try to be quiet about it. They just turn it loose and let everybody else suffer. Now women fart, too….but proper protocol and etiquette require that they not make a noise when they do it and never, ever admit to being responsible for it! If you’re with someone and she farts, it would behoove you not to even mention it. Just pretend it never happened. If you’re walking, pick up the pace and if you’re sitting with her somewhere, pray for a breeze of some kind. If you DO make a comment, two things you would NOT say would be, “Hmmmmm! What kind of perfume is it that you’re wearing? Is that Chanel No. TWO?”……or….. “If that smell is coming from the kitchen, let’s go somewhere else to eat”. Sometimes farts happen unexpectedly. “Ooops!” Don’t lie! You’ve done that, too. The next thing you do is look around to see if anyone noticed it, or act like nothing happened.
Farts come in an endless number of different flavors. I’ve heard that farting is the result of gases produced from undigested food. Essentially, you fart what you eat , which begs the question, “At what point does solid food turn into poisonous, flammable, offensive gas?”. You can even customize the odor by eating certain foods. Different food, different aroma. “Had some refried beans last night, did you?” Sometimes, if you hang around with someone often enough, you get to a point where you can tell if they’re responsible when the air quality takes a sudden turn for the worse. You recognize their “flavor”, so to speak. You can look at them and they can acknowledge and admit guilt without a word ever having been spoken. Some have advanced the act of farting to an art; a second language, if you will. Just a little practice and a lot of control and all of sudden, it’s almost like hearing someone talking with their nostrils squeezed shut. There’s a recognizable rise and fall of pitch, followed a increasing feeling of nausea and dizziness. Do it when you’re dog’s laying near you and the dog will get up, give you that “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!” look, and move somewhere else.
Okay……try this! You’re in a room with a bunch of other people around you. Quietly let one go, wait a few seconds until it’s obvious the vapors have spread to those around you. Then blame the person next to you, while commenting on how disgusting it was. Or…….. just before you’re ready to leave the room, quietly squeeze out a good one. Then, just get up and walk out. It’s not that I would ever do anything like THAT. OKAY….I would. But that’s another story for another day.