Notes in the key of C

I should have known better than to try to shop two days before Christmas. Damn! Where in hell did all those people COME from. There it was….bumper to bumper traffic and THAT’s just trying to back out of my driveway. (just kidding) But I’m not joking about the mad traffic I encountered and got trapped in whenever I got anywhere near a mall or shopping center. You know, I think some sick S.O.B., with tons of money, is hiring these tens of thousands of people to get in their car during the holiday season and just drive around to tie up the streets and piss people off, like ME, for instance. I only saw one accident, though, which was pretty amazing. But what was even MORE amazing is how this lady managed to totally destroy her car (couldn’t even tell what kind it was) in a head-on collision, moving in bumper-to-bumper traffic. I’m not exactly sure how long it took me to get past the tail-gating, horn-honking, wrong-way going, middle finger-flipping, name-calling and pissed off other drivers on the street, but I made it to my destination, off the street, out of the parking lot and inside the mall. I’m NOT LEAVING!!!……at least not until waaaayyyyyyy past closing time. There’s a food court so I’ll have my choice of something to eat and the thermostat’s set to a comfortable level in here in case I have to find a spot to get comfortable.
I think I can make it to the sporting goods store for a good sleeping bag. Then, it’s off to Sears to find a comfortable pillow.

All right! I know you think YOU know what I’m referring to, but you’re wronnnnnnnngggggg!
Big meeting at work this morning. Yes…that’s right… ANOTHER one. What NOW???? These friggin’ meetings are driving me up the damn wall, homey! I hear ” Stick around…meeting’s at nine thirty…make that ten….make that whenever I finally show up from wherever the hell I’m coming from”. OOPS! Something’s come up….no meeting today.
My opinion? Listen, Mr. I’m-the-manager-and-what-I-say-is-gospel, if you just want to hold another meeting so you can hear yourself talk, do any of the rest of us, that have better things to do, have to be there? Can we just make cardboard cutouts of ourselves for you? That way you can set’em up in your office, have as many meetings as you desire and talk until your face turns blue. Our expressions will be the just about the same. How about animated, voice-synthesized cutouts that nod periodically and say, “Uh-huh!” every time you stop talking long enough to catch your breath?
The employee count just went down by one more warm body the other day. One more disillusioned person leaving for greener pastures. We KNOW what THAT means, don’t we? That’s right. If we were already multi-tasking now, we’re going to have manage our time a little more efficiently and do a little multi-multi-tasking. We ( the “Survivors”) all get our fair share of the additional load and to be able to bear that burden, we must (yeah, you got it) work harder and faster. And if I find more on my plate than I can possibly do and don’t get it all done, well then,…they could just terminate me for not doing my job. Hmmmm….sounds fair! Maybe I’ll get voted out at the next “tribal council”! Damn it! I should have tried a little harder to win immunity because I’m definitely not going to be able to out-butt-kiss, out-brown nose, or out- backstab the competitors.

Just forget about counting the days left for Christmas shopping starting with the day after Thanksgiving. Family tradition calls for me to wait until the clock is winding down the last remaining hours before the “fat guy” shows up on the radar of the local meterologist. He points to a “blip” on the weather radar that supposed to be Santa and his reindeer as he’s talking about what the weather is supposed to be like when Santa lands on the first rooftop, looks down the chimney and realizes that while his head might fit, that fat a– has no chance of making it down to the fireplace.
Anywayyyyy………..here it is, just a couple of days left and I’ve got a long way to go. So, with every shopasaurus (prehistoric animals who look like real people and only appear en masse to shop for Christmas) out on the streets and packed into the shopping malls like sardines, this guy is about to take advantage of a 3-day weekend and charge into the crowd, hell bent to get it all done in one day, …..or two, or…
Okay, the usual scenario is that the mall crowds are slowing beginning to thin out on Christmas Eve, the store start flashing their lights about fifteen minutes until closing time and I’m still in there, flinging clothes and trying to hit every department in desperation because there’s a few remaining names on the list that I haven’t bought anything for yet. It’s when the same guy that seems to be in every part of the store I’m in finally quits pretending that he’s shopping and directs me to the nearest exit, that’s when I realize he’s with store security and
my time is up!
I can picture it all now…..me, with a death grip on a rack of clothes and the sales clerks trying to drag me out of the store, so they can go home and spend Christmas Eve with their families. Not a pretty sight!!!
Or……..I could avoid all of that by slipping some money in with the Christmas cards I bought at the supermarket (ten for a dollar) and be done with it.
Nahhhhhhhhh! Not much fun doing that!! Hell, I’ve got a full tank of gas in the Jeep and hours to burn. Get outa my way! I’m headed for the mall!

Well, I saw her again the other day in a restaraunt I usually have breakfast at on Sunday mornings. And it all came back to me……well, not all of the memories, just the bad ones. That ATTITUDE! Man, I can’t remember anyone else before or since that thought so highly of themselves. To paraphrase her, it went something like this….”I’m good enough that I (meaning she) shouldn’t have to work!” Big head, or what? Is that what they call seeing yourself through rose-colored glasses? She had delivered a child into this world years before the word “responsibility” had any meaning to her and the poor baby was spending more time with grannie and grandpa than with his own mother. So much for spending quality time. She couldn’t care less about how or what the boy was doing. Let them take care of him. No…..she was more interested in hanging out with her lowlife hoodlum friends at the pool hall.
It was those green eyes that caught my attention but it didn’t take too long before she revealed herself as the heartless, forked tongue, self-centered and cold-blooded viper that she was. How could we have been so different and still make some kind of connection, albeit short-lived? I was a guy, who loved children, though I had none of my own and her, a young mother who obviously had no desire to spend time with her baby. When we decided to move in together, I had to insist that the baby be included in the living arrangement. Hmmm…what’s wrong with THAT picture? It was clear our days together were numbered when she would leave him home with me and disappear for hours. Sure, I suffered when she made an untimely exit from the relationship just a few days before Christmas many years ago. But the symptoms of a relationship gone bad were already there and maybe it was just my ego that took a hit. Her sudden departure was a gift and a big favor to me, all rolled into one and I didn’t even realize it at the time. Thank God and good fortune that it turned out the way it did. Thank you, Jesus!!!!!………for that fork in the road and the hard left turn she chose to make without me.
When I saw her the other day, she was still wearing that same hairdo and the same “my shit doesn’t stink” look on her face. And, like ships passing silently in the night, not a word was spoken. But if you could have read my mind, you probably would have seen the words, “THANK YOU, JESUS…!!!!!”

Ok….this is kinda personal, so keep it under your hat! I think I’m on the verge of having a buffalo butt. Oh sure, I could blame it on having dried those jeans too many times with the regular “hot cycle”, which caused excessive shrinkage but I’m trying to be honest with myself. And I’m noticing that the “south side” is getting just a little snug. How the heck did THAT happen anyway? You know that isn’t a part of your body that you see very often but when I felt slightly uncomfortable the other day in jeans that, while not being baggy, always allowed an ample amount of room for air circulation, I became just a little concerned. Not worried, mind you, just concerned.
Well, it didn’t take very much head scratching to realize what was causing this “development”. My recent efforts to trim off a few, extra pounds prompted me to spend more quality time on my NordicTrac treadmill, a fitness investment made about a year ago. No dollars were spared here. It’s totally programable, with cooling fans, adjustable cushioning deck, speed and elevation. On the daily agenda, it’s the first activity in the morning or one of the last before the lights go out at night. Just a couple of minutes of warmup and it’s time to increase the elevation and speed. It’s never enough to just walk at a comfortable pace. I have to feel challenged and at least a little exhausted when it’s over. It’s all good! But the weight and inches that used to cling to me at the waistline is starting to move south. Oh, well! I suppose that’s a fair trade of locations and I suppose the plus side could be that having a slight “buffalo” butt has to better than appearing to have no butt at all. And don’t tell me you’ve never seen people like that. They look like they’d been kicked so hard, it made their butt disappear and their belly pop out. It’s time to take that weight training to the next level and hopefully continue to look more symmetrical and not just “ass”symmetrical. See…….there’s a positive side to everything.

Well, it’s all over between us. I suppose I’d known it would come to this a long, long time ago and just kept procrastinating even after I was sure it was the only sound decision I could make.
Looking back, I remember clearly how it all began. I first saw her at “the Square”, an upscale shopping center in midtown. There was nothing flashy about her at all but after our initial meeting, I knew I was hooked. I started seeing her almost every day and it was like my day was incomplete without that one event in it. The deep feeling of warmth and satisfaction I took with me seemed to make everything else that happened afterwards so much easier to deal with. I was happy and falling deeper and deeper. It wasn’t long after that I began to see her around town. Was it meant to be? I couldn’t go on like this.
No, I was not the only guy. She was very popular and often I had to wait for my turn. And I knew that when I showed up I had to have money on me. A sickness, maybe…..but I felt powerless in her presence. She knew what I wanted, too and though I could have gone elsewhere, it would be nothing like that special magic, that feel-good feeling that only she could deliver. I could try to forget the many others who had tasted and were also hooked just like I was.
Then, one day not long ago, I’m not sure why exactly, but I started to think about the negative impact this crazy, obsessive, love affair was having and it all became clear to me. I had been getting so wound up after seeing her, that I couldn’t sleep for hours . It had to end and I had to be the one. She wouldn’t do it. I knew I’d still see her and still feel that urge to go back. That door would be open, welcome mat saying, “Come on in…..I’ve been waiting for you and I know what you want!”. But this is IT!! I’m NEVER GOING BACK!! No tears and no sad goodbyes. I’m just riding off into the sunset and never looking back. I know she won’t ever be alone and probably won’t even realize I’m gone for good.
Our paths are sure to cross again. But I’ll be strong and just keep on going………and drive right past……that STARBUCK’S sign.

Consider for the moment some of my thoughts on this “crazy lil’ thing called love”.

1) Love at first sight is usually just “lust” at first sight.

2) How quickly love can disappear when “I love you” doesn’t get you what you want or take you where you want to go with a new acquaintance.

3) It’s been said that a man responds to what he sees and a woman responds to what she hears. However if what a man sees comes with the smell of fish, he may not be able to respond. And if what a woman ends up seeing in nowhere near what she heard about, her response might also change.

4) People stay together after the love is gone. Sometimes love is the best reason for leaving.

5) True love is not something you fall into. Instead, feelings grow from an initial attraction and in the process of discovery,we find love somewhere along the way.

6) True love is forever and a feeling that remains intact even after relationships are only distant memories.

7) Old relationships are lessons learned and stops along the way to where you are today.

Reminiscing is recalling how wonderful someone used to make you feel but not dwelling on the reasons why you went seperate ways.

9) “Love” always seems to hurt less if you’re the one leaving and not the one being left behind, (especially if there’s someone else you’re leaving them for).

10) Love doesn’t pay the bills and it may be just as easy to love someone financially stable as it is to love someone with no job, no self respect,no money, no initiative, no common sense, no direction and absolutely no future. (and “triple-coyote” ugly on top of all THAT!)

But, hey! What do I know? I just write this stuff for your entertainment.

No need to watch out, just go ahead and cry,
You might just as well pout, I’m telling you why
Santa Claus isn’t really coming to town.

So he won’t see your list, don’t bother to write
He’ll be drunk and passed out on Christmas eve night
So Santa’s not coming to town.

(chorus)
He can’t see you when you’re sleeping,
Could care less when you’re awake
Seems to be wherever you may go
So you know that he’s a fake.

Soooooooooooo…………..
Pass out that Christmas list before it’s too late,
To family and friends and to your soulmate,
Because Santa’s not coming to town.

How many times a day do you pass someone, whether it’s out on the street or at work, and they say “Hey! How’s it going?”….and they keep on walking. So what does that tell you? Simply, it means that one of the standard responses are expected like “Great! How about you?” But neither one of you lingers long enough because you’re too busy or not actually interested in how the other person is really doing. “How’s it going?” or “How are you doing?” requires that you answer “Good!” or “Great!” or some other response that doesn’t require the conversation to continue. Standard responses will work in most passing situations. A co-worker or boss might get the standard, expected answer while a close friend would be more apt to find out how things are really going.
Whether you’re doing well or you’re life in general has turned into a big, fresh, smelly pile of crap, you say, “Not too bad!” Or you could answer with “Hey…things could be worse.” which translates to ” I’m neck deep in debt, I feel like shit, I hate my damn job, …….but at least ….I’m still alive.”. WHAT MORE CAN I ASK FOR?
I suppose when it’s all said and done, life is what you make of it. When things are good, you have a lot to smile about and be thankful for. When things aren’t so good, there’s really someone out there who’s going through a tougher situation. Sometimes, you just have to look a little further and dig a little deeper to find it. But it’s there! It’s called “HOPE”! Sometime you’ll have when you think you have nothing else. And only YOU can give it up.

On the days immediately following Thanksgiving, the shopping frenzy goes into overdrive. But even before that, there’s a run on Christmas light in so many different lengths and configurations. There’s big ones and little ones, single and multi-colored strings and of course, the ones with the “adjustable twinkle speed”.
You can get those that resemble Santa, or reindeer or a snowman. Usually it’s the husband who’s on the ladder or the roof stringing the lights and taking directions from his wife. The uninspired with limited creative ability just hang the lights up wherever just to get it done. The hardcore decorators go with the multi-million, multi-colored, alternately twinkling, strategically-placed, “we-spent-a-helluva-lot-more-money-than-you-did” light collection. And if that wasn’t enough, they throw in the “baby Jesus-in-the -manger” scene on one side of the yard and Santa Claus on sleigh being pulled by reluctant reindeer on the other. The rich and lazy have all that and more and top it off by hiring somebody else to do all the work for them.
It’s an annual event in certain neighborhoods where every house seems to try and outdo their neighbor’s decorations. Lines of cars clog the streets in the evening as people file through slowly, staring at the bright flashing lights and decorations, “oohing” and “aahing”, as if hypnotized. Others will pay to take a helicopter ride over the city to see the Christmas lights.
I’m not putting up a single Christmas light on the outside of my house. Bah! Humbug! No, really….it’s not like I don’t enjoy seeing the Christmas lights. I do. But here’s my take on this tradition. If I want to enjoy the lights, the manger and Santa with his reindeer, I think I’ll go across the street and see if the neighbors will let me decorate their front yard. That way, instead of only being able to enjoy my lights when I’m leaving or returning home, I can just look out the window and see it all right across the street, all evening long…and their electric bill goes up, not mine.