Apotheosis

“A premiere?” Harry mutters, dumbfounded. He and Claudius are finally slowing down from their terrible pace and are now leisurely flowing down Claudius’ memory link to Nero.

“Of course,” Claudius answers, finally planting his feet on the ground. “Your new movie is coming out soon. Don’t you want to attend it?”

Harry frowns darkly. For all of his wisdom and age, sometimes Claudius was indeed a complete idiot, just like the history books say he was. “I don’t think that going to see a movie is as important as trying to stop the end of all existence from happening.”

“But I’ve had tickets for months!” Claudius whines. “It’s for the world premiere, in mortal London. Don’t you think we need a break from all this?”

Harry shakes his head, planting his own feet on the ground near Home. “I don’t think so.” He begins to walk purposefully towards the small farmhouse where Eve lives.

“Damn,” Claudius sighs. “Perhaps I can sell the tickets off on Ebay or something.” He hurries to catch up with Harry.

But Harry stops dead in his tracks, and Claudius almost rams into him.

“Here, now!” the Roman grunts. “What’s going on Harry? Why did you...”

Harry is staring straight up. Claudius follows Harry’s gaze and is met with an amazing sight. A huge monster of a man stands in the way of the path to Eve’s house. He appears to want to knock on the door, but his gigantic bulk won’t allow him to climb the stairs to get onto the porch.

“A giant...” Harry whispers.

Claudius nods. “And not a half-breed like Hagrid. No, this is the real thing.”

The gigantic man swivels his huge head back and forth, and finally looks down. “Ah-hah! There you are!” he booms. “Would you mind calling on Eve for me? I’ve tried, but as you can see, I’m a wee bit too big to knock on her door.” He grins, a big toothy grin which reveals yellowed teeth.

A wee bit too big? Harry wonders to himself. That’s like saying Voldemort was a wee bit too evil. It simply didn’t sound like it should fit.

Claudius, instead of marvelling at the size of the creature, is now actively hurrying up the steps to the porch. “Right, we do this and no one gets hurt, correct?”

“Hurt?” the giant laughs heartily. “No, I couldn’t hurt a Theo. Even a silly one like you. But Harry, you know, I’m a bit afraid of you. Nothing personal, you understand. Just that, you’ve got all that Theo power coursing through your veins, well, if you had veins, the power would be coursing through them. I wouldn’t want to get on your bad side, if you had one.”

“What’s your name?” Harry asks.

Great, Harry. Claudius thinks to himself. Just keep the nice man with the gigantic axe happy. For a split second, Harry wonders why the giant doesn’t simply swing his haxe and cleave the house into to pieces. Then again, Claudius has never seen Eve angry, but he has heard that she has a terrible temper. Mother Nature indeed. One of her incarnations is as the Hawaiian fire goddess Pele, well known for her jealousy and fiery temper. It was always best to stay on Eve’s good side.

“My name?” the giant actually blushes a little, as he scratches his head. “Well, now, I’ve had lots of those over the millenia. Mostly ‘Hey you.’ Oh, lately I’ve had a lot of ‘Big Guy.’ I like that one.”

“But your name? Don’t you have one of your own?” asks Harry, eyebrows raised in curiosity.

“He’s a nephilim Harry,” Claudius explains, knocking on Eve’s door. “He doesn’t really have a real name.”

The giant hangs his huge head a little sadly. “That’s true.”

“A nephilim?” Harry asks, more curious than ever. Of course, he knows a bit about some magical creatures of the wizarding world, but not much about the creatures who inhabit the After.

Eve suddenly flings open her door. “Oooh, goodness. Mikey?”

“Gramma!” the giant exclaims. “Sorry I couldn’t knock on your door myself. I’m a bit too large, as you can see.”

Claudius trips his way down the stairs and joins Harry. “A nephilim is the offspring of angels and humans. I can’t believe that this is the best Heaven can do in these dire circumstances. I would have expected Jesus himself to join our quest, but a nephilim?” Claudius shakes his head, making sure the giant doesn’t really see what’s going on.

“Was it just my imagination, or did Eve call that giant ‘Mikey?’” Harry says, squinting to try and take a closer look at the creature. The giant was at least twenty feet tall, and with the gigantic axe he could have reminded someone of Paul Bunyan, but no one in the present party grew up in America, where Paul’s tall tales were popular.

Claudius nods slowly. “Eve’s named all the nephilim on her own. It must be a mother thing.”

“Is that why the nephlilim called her ‘gramma’?” Harry asks, watching the strange reuinion of Eve and the giant. Eve, no larger than any human female, is picked up by Mikey in the palm of his hand. The giant is exceedingly gentle with her. He brings her up to his face, and she plants a small kiss on the side of his cheek. It’s all very touching, if you don’t count the fact that Mikey could swallow Eve in one gulp.

“No exactly,” Claudius says, rolling his eyes. “Well, some Biblical scholars believe that the nephilim were the offspring of not angels and humans, but of Adam and Eve’s third son, Seth, and other humans. See, some can’t get their heads around the fact that angels can mate. Since both beliefs are equally strong, both ideas exist in the After.”

Eve’s voice, distant and tinny, wafts down leisurely from the giant heights. “What brings you here, dearest?”

“Well, God’s all huffy about this end of the world thing, and so he sent me to see what I can do to help.” Mikey’s words are a lot easier to understand than Eve’s.

“He must think a lot of you to bring you down Home,” Eve says, grinning.

“Oh, yes, yes. I’m the biggest nephilim in the After! Whatever this threat is, I can probably smoosh it down with my foot.”

Claudius begins to chew on his lower lip. “That’s not the way it’s meant to happen. This threat will be in a pleasing form, and it will have all the charisma of thousands of years of leadership. It will be cunning and find it easy to sway mortals to its side. This is bad, Harry. If God hasn’t taken this seriously enough, and Lucifer doesn’t care a single bit about what’s going to happen, I’m afraid that we’re on our own here.”

“But Eve seemed so smart,” Harry says. “She knows a lot, and she’s a powerful Theo. Why can’t she help us?”

Claudius scowls deeply. “It’s her silly non-interference rule. She’ll only help us when she pleases and when it benefits her.” He gives a dramatic shrug. “Just like a lot of women I used to know.”

“Couldn’t we get some others to help us?” Harry asks. “I’m sure we’re not the only ones who don’t want to see the end of existence happening. THere must be other Theos willing to join us.”

Claudius goes silent for a moment. “I’m not sure, Harry. No Theo is nearly as powerful as you are, and I can’t think of anyone who might help us.”

“What about great leaders of the past? King Arthur?” Harry suggests.

“Oh, him.” Claudius sighs. “He sleeps until England needs him. He’ll be of no help to us.”

“But England does need him!”

“No, Harry. See, that’s the trouble with heroes. They’re not sent to save everyone in the world. THey’re sent to only save a specific group of people. Arthur will only help England, no other country. When the whole of existence is threatened, well, he can’t do anything about it. Of course, there is you, but you’re too powerful a Theo to be let alone in your realm.”

“And what about Watson? You got him involved in this. Why?”

“Well,” Claudius says very slowly. “I needed his skill. He’s a Theo of high repute, and he does have great observational skills, despite what thousands of feet of film have to say about his character. And besides that, I like him better than Holmes.”

“Hello!” Eve yells, waving down at Claudius and Harry. “You two! Would you be willing to take Mikey here on your quest?”

Claudius looks at Harry. “Um, ah...well...” he stammers, scratching the side of his face. “He’s a bit too big, isn’t he? We need human-sized denizens of the After, preferably someone who does have the power of a Theo.”

Eve crosses her arms and says nothing.

“But, I suppose we can make an exception,” Claudius adds quickly.

Mikey gives a delighted squeal and places Eve carefully down. “Oh, you won’t regret this Mr. Claduius. No sirree!”

“Oh, I’ve already started to regret this,” Claudius says so softly so only Harry could hear. THen, in a louder voice, “Ah, yes. Well, how would you like to go on a trip?”

The giant’s eyes light up. “A trip? Me? Wow! I’ve never been in more than a few realms of the After before.”

“Um, Claudius,” Harry asks quietly. “How’s he going to fit in a node?”

“No idea,” Claudius says through clenched teeth. “Anyhow, we won’t have any troubles with good old Mikey with us, eh? Let’s find a node and get going.”

Mikey’s face falls. “A what?”

“A node,” Claudius answers. “It’s how we get around from realm to realm in the After, and also how we get from the After to Earth.”

“Oh, is that how you little people do it?” Mikey says. “Fascinating. All I have to do is rip an exit open and pass through.”

“Rip holes in various realms of existence. That sounds...good,” Claudius says. In a destruction of the space-time continuum way...he thinks. “Anyway, we’re actively trying to find some infamous Theos who might tell us their plan.”

“Oh...you want I should beat them up?”

“Won’t be neccessary,” Claudius says quickly. “I think if we reason with them, they might see our side of things.”

“Yeah, then we smash them to bits.”

“That’s not what I had in mind, but I suppose you could smash them a bit if you feel so inclined.” Claudius grins his fake grin, hoping that Mikey won’t be able to see how fake it is from his height.

“Goody!” exclaims an excstatic Mikey as he begins to skip across the plains of Home. His skipping is so forceful that it’s causing Claudius and Harry to fall down with each step.

“Claudius, we can’t let him stay with us,” Harry whispers. “He’ll ruin everything!”

“I know,” Claudius answers. “But how can we defy the collective wills of God and Eve? They both want this thing to join us. They’re both powerful enough to force us to take him.”

Harry sighs heavily. “Well, what if give him a task, something to do that will take a long time so he’ll get away from us?”

“A good thought, but what sort of task should we send him on?”

“I don’t know,” murmurs Harry. “Oh! You’ve got those tickets, still, right? To that big premiere of the new movie?”

Claudius nods. “I was going to sell them off on eBay, but why do you ask?”

“Because I think we’ve found just the person to go.”

“Why’s that?” Claudius frowns. “And besides, he’s a bit too big to be sitting in a London cinema, don’t you think?”

“Well, with our collective powers, I think we can shrink him down for a few hours, what do you say?” Harry asks, grinning.

Claudius stares up at the giant. “Mikey! Do you like Harry Potter?”

“Oh, yes, who doesn’t? And I forgot to mention what an honor it is to be working along side you, Mr. Potter.”

“That’s...that’s wonderful!” Harry says. “How would you like to see the new film?”

“What new film?” Mikey says.

“The Chamber of Secrets!” Claudius and Harry say together.

Mikey’s eyes widen. “Oh, that new film? You mean, I could go and see it? In a cinema? Surrounded by humans? How will I fit inside?”

“We can manipulate your size, but only for a short while,” Harry explains. “Just long enough for you to attend the premiere, meet the actors, you know, mingle.”

“You’d do that? For me?” Mikey begins to cry. Huge tears plummet down and splash onto the ground.

“Of course, you’re our friend, aren’t you?” Claudius says, patting the giant’s sandaled foot. “Now, you mustn’t tell Gramma or anyone else what we’ve done for you.”

“It’ll be a secret?” Mikey asks.

Both Claudius and Harry nod.

“I like secrets,” Mikey grins.

“We’ve got to do this away from Home, away from Eve’s influence,” Claudius explains. “We’re going into Limbo for this. Alright, Mikey?”

“I’m way ahead of you,” Mikey answers, tearing a huge rip in existence itself and passing through.

“Limbo?” Harry asks.

“It’s the place of non-existence. Only accessable to Theos and certain other creatures of the After. There’s a node here, let’s go.”

***

Limbo is nothing more than the absence of everything. Everything in Limbo takes on a uniformly gray shade. It is nothingness. No one stays too long in Limbo because once it has a good hold of you, you can never return to the After.

“I’m ready Mr. Claudius. Mr. Potter,” Mikey’s grinning his best grin.

“Right then,” Claudius says. “We’ve got to do this quickly, before we are forced to stay in Lombo forever.”

Harry nods. “I’m ready.”

Claudius and Harry pool their powers together, and suddenly Mikey begins to shrink. further and further until he is the size of a man.

“Well, now,” Mikey grins. “How do I look?”

“Normal,” says Claudius.

“Average,” adds Harry.

“Good, now we need to head down to the mortal realm?” Mikey says, still grinning his grin. “I’ve never been there before.”

“Right, let’s get you there straight away,” Claudius says, finding the right node out of Limbo.

“What’s the mortal realm like?” asks Mikey.

“Loud and busy,” Claudius explains. “It’s nothing like the After. The After’s extremely quiet and quaint if you compare it with the mortal realm.”

“Oh, I’ve seen lots of the mortal realm in all sorts of television shows,” Mikey explains. As mentioned before, the denizens of Heaven are quite addicted to television.

“That’s great! Then you’ll know how to behave in a cinema,” Harry grins.

“Found it!” Claudius exclaims, pointing out the right node. “Let’s go!”

They shove Mikey into the node first, and the once-giant disappears with a bubblegum pop.

If anyone was at the London premiere of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, they might have seen a bearded young man sitting someplace in the back of the cinema, utterly and completely enjoying the movie. What most mortals would not know is that this young man is a figment of the collective imagination, made human by another figment of the collective imagination and a dead historical figure.

“Where to now?” Harry asks.

“We’ll, we’ve only got a few hours,” says Claudius. “I think we should try and get some help.”

“From who?”

“From your friends. Harry, would it be alright if we return to Hogwarts for a short while?”

Posted by Michelle at November 19, 2002 7:30 AM