November 27, 2002
the name game
I asked Matt what the first names of his aunties were so we could put their full names on the table cards printed next to their husband's. He asked, "Why? Why can't it just be Mr. and Mrs. John Doe?"
"Because your aunties have a name too." I don't know which bugs me more: that women's names are being overwritten and overlooked all the time or that people don't get why this would bug anyone. Everytime someone asks me why, I reverse the situation to get a reaction out of them. What if I wrote Mrs. and Mr. Jane Doe? What if husbands changed their names to their wive's name? They look appalled. And men especially look insulted, as if that were horribly demeaning. "Well, now you know how I feel."
People then ask, "What about your kids? What are you going to name them?" Matt and I don't have plans to have kids, but that's beside the point. Parents can name their kids whatever they want: his name, her name, hyphenation, combination, or something entirely different. I said that my imaginary kids would probably have Matt's last name. But my mother was the one who pushed the point further. She asked, "What are people going to think when you have a different last name from your children?"
I told her that was simple. I'd say, "Why sure they're mine. I'm with the father, third girlfriend he's had this week." She didn't think that was funny, only because that isn't too far from what she imagines people will think.
I can be faithful, loyal, loving, and dedicated without sacrificing a part of my identity. Besides, it's my name, my marriage, and my life.
Posted by jennifer at November 27, 2002 06:42 AM
You make some excellent points. I've been struggling with the name question lately- I'm not particularly tied to my last name, and giving it up doesn't bother me.
My quandry is that I'm haole, and my bf is Vietnamese. His last name isn't one of the easy ones, and I can't even pronounce it properly (although the Westernized form isn't difficult for me, often others get it wrong). It seems almost disrespectful to take a name that I can't even honor by saying correctly. Beyond that, I don't want to deal with nosy people who find my face and last name incongruous.
On the other hand, his family isn't too thrilled I'm not Vietnamese, so not taking his name would make me stand out even more. I really like the idea of creating a new last name- some of V's friends did that when they married.
I don't think all men are opposed to changing their name, or taking their wife's name. I've heard of cases where a husband has taken his wife's Hawaiian last name so they can pass it on to their children and keep it going.
Anyway, it all makes me long for the simple days of childhood, when I insisted my name was Rainbow Palmtree.
I know there are lots of understanding men, I've even met some of them. I remember one couple who both hyphenated their names. Say, if she were Jane Doe and he were John Smith, then she became Jane Doe-Smith and he became John Smith-Doe. Both of them doing that struck me as very sweet and reflective of their union. Trouble is that the only people who talk to me (in person) about not changing my name are those who are most opposed it, so my entry was really pointed toward their direction.
My sister-in-law (who did change her name) has experienced some of the issues you mention about taking another ethnicity's name. Even in the most professional of office settings, people blurt out "You don't look Japanese." I think most of the time she says that her husband is Japanese as way of an explaination. But I think she shouldn't dignify their question with an answer and simply change the subject. Matt is a little resentful that I'm not taking his name, but he's not offering any other option that would make him happy other than replacing my name with his. Even though I've made a clear choice for myself, I still think it over and over again.
I am sure Matt didn't mean to be disrespectful when he wanted you to have his name. And I am pretty sure that it was just a misunderstanding when you wanted to have the full names of everyone and not just MR/MRS on the place cards. It is just how we have been raised, no matter how wrong it might be. It is just difficult for today's culture to sway from what it is expected from us as a male and female figure. I do believe that women should not have to change their names if they do not want to. We all should have a new tradition that women should not be expected to change their names. It should be a mutual agreement and understanding between the two couples to either keep their names, change it to the husband's, change it to the wife's, or have it hypenated without having any degrading comments from anyone. I personally believe that having the names hypenated is the good alternative, rather than just keeping their own names. Having the names hypenated is a symbol of one's unionship.
I was going to change my name to my wife's. I didn't like the fact that women, whether they keep their name or not, are always faced with the choice, whereas men stride around confidently, assuming their name will always remain the same. My parents and her parents were adamantly opposed to it (in fact, her parents even now still insist that she change her name to mine--which we both think is ludicrous). I was all for shirking the parents' wishes, but D. didn't want a huge rift in our relationship right before the wedding. Without D.'s support, my parents' or her parents' support, I finally gave in and kept my name. But, if we ever have kids, they're going to have D.'s last name, not mine. And then I'll be faced with the question, "Why is your name different from your kids'?" It's about time men who aren't stepdads got asked that question.