I'm dismantling my penguin army and distributing my squishy friends to those in need. When my brother left his last job he grabbed a bunch of freebee stress squeezers shaped like penguins for me. Two of them are finding new homes with graduate students who will be my lunch companions for the day and in much need of destressing.

As a student whenever I felt overwhelmed I would put my attention to something other than school work. Suddenly I would have the urge to clean out my dorm room or learn how to make soap. Counteractive when working with deadlines, but effective seeing that I actually made it through.

Yesterday I woke up to find a red rose and a stuffed bear sitting on my makeshift desk with a note saying "Just because I love you." Completely unexpected and will surely be (minus Vegas) the highlight of my week. I won't be posting for a while, so while I'm away go busy yourselves with sharing some love "just because." A suggestion to get you started: send someone who is far away a funny card or a small care package or a sweet little note reminding them they are loved.

Last week Matt and a friend of his gave me a crash course in playing craps. I already had the basics, but didn't know the odds (meaning exact payoffs) and some other details. Matt says that he just trusts the casino. I don't. Not that I think they are cheating me or anything, I think that people make mistakes and the player has a responsibility to keep track of their money. Plus I've seen some pretty bad mistakes, none in the players favor.

Perhaps this would be a good time to mention that I'll be in Vegas at the end of the week. It's all that I can really think about. Same with Matt. Every once in a while one of us with turn to the other and say "Vegas" and the other will reply in agreement "Vegas."

Instead of tidying up the living room, I've dug up everything that I need for the trip. Instead of posting, I've reviewed payoffs. Instead of doing anything really productive, I've daydreamed packing, getting on the plane and gambling in the casino. In my head I'm already there.

The phone keeps ringing and I don't catch all of the calls. One of the callers that I seem to keep missing is, according to the caller ID, some department of the US government out of state. As late as it is here, I imagine it's some ungodly hour wherever they are calling from. They don't leave a message, so I don't imagine that it's terribly urgent. I want them to call again, just so I know who they are and why they are calling at this hour. They surely must have a reason to have called three times already.

Often I'm awake at strange hours and have to restrain myself from calling people at times that I think are normal, but are actually times that normal people spend asleep. Sometimes Matt and I are doing our grocery shopping at 2 in the morning. It doesn't feel that odd when you see others casually buying their weekly bread and milk alongside of yourself.

Right now my life is a list of things that need to be finished and things that I've been meaning to do. I've been meaning to post an entry in a while, but in the past few days whenever I sat down to write one, I came up empty. This entry, minus the mysterious calls from a gov't office, is pretty empty itself. I need to pick myself up.

In college I had a black thumb that could kill the heartiest of plants. A few people gave me cacti, certain that a desert plant could withstand my curse, but several terminal cases of root rot proved them wrong.

After moving into the apartment, I missed having plants around me. At my parents' house looking out the window from what used to be my bedroom would be a rock garden surrounded by a guava tree, mini bamboo (not its official name), and what I used to call the "octopus plant" because the way the leaves grew and branched out reminded me of an octopus turned upside down and its legs splayed over, much like the ones my father used to catch and clean in our driveway. Among other things, we used to also have what seemed to be countless orchid plants along the left wall.

I've slowly been building up a collection of plants to add some greenery into our concrete living quarters. At first I was hesitant, but somehow every plant that I've brought into the apartment has flourished. I don't think Matt has anything to do with it since I'm the only one taking care of them, unless he has some magical positive plant karma that makes them grow just by him looking at them.

I bought a couple of orchids today, one with white and the other with deep violet. Prior to my miraculous sucess with plants, I wouldn't have dared, being too afraid of destroying something so beautiful. I don't know if they are, but orchids have always seemed to be a delicate and fragile plant although the blooms themselves are known to "hold up well." It may seem silly, but I feel like if I can take care of my new orchids then I can take care of just about any houseplant.

I think I'm allergic to weddings. Matt just thinks I'm coming down with something again. This afternoon we're going a proper church wedding of a friend of his. The reception is going to be huge, the last time I spoke with the bride they had over 250 confirmed with a little over a hundred outstanding. After knowing firsthand how much work goes into a wedding, I think it'll be nice just sitting back and enjoying the event.

Married life hasn't turned out to be much different than living-with-my-significant-other life. I wasn't expecting anything to be different, but I guess the people who ask "how's married life?" did.

I'm going to have to cut this entry short, since it's taking longer to write than I expected and I have to get ready. Who knows, at an event that crowded maybe one of you will be there too.

My father lent me his Canon A-1 camera when I was in high school for my photography class (because I needed to use an SLR camera). Shortly after he bought himself a brand new Canon Rebel and the A-1, which was older than me, became mine forever and ever.

I have a modest camera collection (six different types all in working condition) that was slowly built up over the years, but I've nearly stopped taking pictures. When I was little I would take pictures of anything that struck my fancy with my little disc camera. My mother would get them developed, but when she saw my pictures of cats and flowers she would tell me that I was wasting film. Matt told me the same thing while he was watching me taking pictures of dolphins. They were so close, if their trainer wasn't there I would have leaned over and tried to touch them. He thinks I should have used the digital camera instead.

When I saw the wedding photographer's digital SLR camera, I sighed with envy and made a mental note on my list of things I want to buy if I ever have more money than I know what to do with. But if I ever did have that much money, I'd probably spend it on (after buying a house and a new car) a blackroom, equipment, paper, and film. Digital is amazing given the right hardware and software, but my first love has always been with film.

I feel strange writing about images in a journal that is almost devoid of them. A while back I considered posting digital pictures here, but decided against it. The best way I can explain it is that I don't think I have anything significant to share online visually.

Well, the jury pool office didn't excuse me. Instead they sent me a letter telling me that my date was deferred to 1/3/03. January 3rd. Matt found that rather amusing. I did not. I got the original summons on the 6th and the deferred date letter on the 11th. Since it was the weekend I couldn't call up the office until this morning.

The woman on the phone informed me that my new summons date was supposed to be the 13th, but the trial was postponed until the 14th. And earlier this evening I found out that the trial was cancelled and I don't have to go in at all. So I've been un-cancelling on people and doing my trial-was-cancelled sing-song and dance all evening.

My trial was cancelled. My trial was cancelled. My trial was cancelled. :)

The jury pool office has a cruel sense of timing. I have yet to meet someone who got called for a date not in the middle of something. Right after we got back, I got my first letter for jury duty. I faxed them a letter asking for an excusal, I think I have a decent reason: If not excused, I'll miss my honeymoon. I attached a copy of the receipt for our non-refundable tickets and noted that Matt won't be able to take vacation again for another year. Several people have reassured me that they probably will excuse me, but I've heard some pretty harsh stories from others which makes me think that the jury pool office has become either desperate or heartless. I'm hoping that at the end of January I'll be on a plane to Vegas, not sulking in a courtroom.

When Matt and I are walking together sometimes he's nearly dragging me along. He wants me to speed up and hurry along with him, meanwhile I'm telling him to slow down, there's no rush or urgency, no one is waiting for us. Since I finished school and stopped working, for me everything has slowed down. I look back and I don't recognize myself. I had that same sense of urgency that Matt carries with him, the sense that you have no time, thirty-six hour days shoved into twenty-four.

I'm aware that I have this wonderful freedom of time that he doesn't, but I wish that he would stop being so focused on the next (destination / task / great idea) and spend some time in the now.

I have to say that I do find that I feel different now after the wedding. I feel much lighter without the weight of a huge event on our shoulders. It feels like after finals, but without the nagging paranoia that maybe I screwed up somewhere. Now I can play with all my Christmas and birthday presents.

I also have to clean up the mess I created in the apartment. Matt who is a very neat person forced himself to bite his tongue while I neglected to clean up my mess while working on various wedding stuff. I'm certain that my clutter is driving him crazy inside.

I'm also noticing a flux in traffic originating from my marble magnets page (on the cactusrabbit site). If you're coming in from there could you do me a favor a clue me in with how you found me. (And in case you were wondering I have plans to move and update that site.)

I don't understand how some couples can wisk themselves away on a romantic honeymoon the day (or even a few days) after they get married. Or is that just another cultural myth? Even though the wedding is over there's still rentals to return, an unwanted dress to get cleaned, gifts to open, and many thank you cards to write.

Matt and I spent most of the today lounging around in the apartment. We're both still a bit worn down from the past couple of days. Right after we dropped our bags on the floor we both rushed to our respective pets. Sophie and my betta (which still needs a name) are doing fine, but Matt was dissapointed to find that his two guppies were still alive. He's hoping that they'll destroy each other so he can start over again with non-violent fish.

I don't really feel any different than before we were married. During the whole ceremony, I was fine... if anything uncomfortable from being on my feet all day in a heavy dress and heels. The hotel wedding coordinator commented that I was the calmest bride that she has ever seen. I think that's pretty remarkable since we saw about four different weddings (not counting our own) going on that weekend alone. It's a happy occasion and you're surrounded by friends and family, I'm really not sure what there is to be nervous about.

During the reception his best man was having fun refering to me as Matt's wife. He'd keep turning to Matt and asking him, "So how's your wife?" And I have to admit that I'm having a bit of fun calling Matt my hubby.

Much fun was had and much laughter was shared, but if we ever renew our vows, next time we're doing it right: Vegas, Elvis, and a red dress.

We've been seeing a lot of Matt's friends in these final days before the wedding. Rehearsal. Tux fittings. They keep reminding me that it's my last chance to escape before we tie the knot.

Right now I'm gingerly typing while my nail polish dries. Several people tried to talk me into getting a manicure, but that just isn't me. I used to paint my nails a lot during high school and my first couple of years of college. Towards the end of college I became a real low maintenance girl and my nail polish collection dwindled down to two colors (a deep red and a light lavender). For our wedding I trimmed and evened out my nails and gave a coat of clear polish to give it a finished appearance. I also painted my toes "plum shine." I'll spare you the rest of my preening and primping.

Pretty much everything is set and ready to go with us to the hotel. We just have to pack our non-wedding items. Regular clothes. Toothbrush. Rubber slippers.

It's still hard to believe that such a big production will be all over by tomorrow evening. Much thanks to everyone who helped. Despite my previous negative entry many good people have come through fabulously.

One thing that I never expected to happen: Several people have called me up and asked me what they should wear. The girls are wondering how casual or formal the event will be, while my single guy friends have asked for what specific items of clothing they should put on for the evening. "Um... a nice aloha shirt or a dress shirt and slacks... no jeans and no sneakers..." I was really tempted to have one table of my friends dress all in black and when people would inquire why I'd tell them: They're mourning the death of my single life.

This is my last entry before I become Mrs. Matt. Today will be busy busy busy and tomorrow will be chaos. After that, bliss :)

Thanks to my new friend bronchitis, I nearly slept through the new year countdown. Matt woke me up about ten minutes before midnight so I could gather myself up and drag myself outside to watch the final fireworks of the night. At midnight I kissed Matt on the cheek (to prevent spreading of sick), wished him a happy new year, and promptly went back to bed.

I don't have any retrospective or resolutions to offer. It seems that the entire holiday season came upon me unexpectedly, too fast and too soon. I think it's mostly because the upcoming wedding has resulted in a sort of tunnel vision that doesn't allow me to focus on anything else. As a result I've built up a lot of what I can only describe as wedding rage.

Matt has road rage. Not the extreme sort, but he does often yell at people even though we have the windows up and radio on. I remind him that the person in the other car can't hear him, but it doesn't matter to him. As for my wedding rage, I often find myself yelling into the phone after the other person has hung up all the things I wanted to yell, but didn't for fear they might ruin something just to spite me afterwards. Even though they don't hear it, I feel better. Most of the time I'm choking the phone and saying, "What's wrong with this person?!"

My best advice to anyone planning a wedding is either hire someone else to do it or elope. And to help alleviate the stress of the poor souls who won't take my advice, I offer the following advice for those who know people that are getting married:

-- The RSVP date is the date the couple expects the invites to be in their mailbox by. It is not the date when you finally decide to fill it in (and then mail it a week later).

-- Do not respond with a "will not be able to attend" and then two months later tell the couple you've changed your mind and have already bought tickets and made staying arrangements for yourself and your entire family. If they are gracious enough to make space for you, you will have probably forced them to rearrange their seating charts and make several phone calls.

-- If you offer the bride to help, mean it. Do not offer to help and then when asked tell her that you refuse to do the following things and list off everything that one does for a wedding. She will not speak to you for a very long time, perhaps never again.

-- If you are being paid a horribly large sum of money try your best not to fuck up, like ordering the wrong wedding dress that doesn't even look remotely similar to the correct one.

-- Do not call the couple within a week before the wedding asking if you can bring a date.

-- If you are doing some sort of business with the bride, do not give her a timeline that you can't keep up with. When you find yourself in a bind, the professional thing to do is reschedule as soon as you are able. Do not complain to her when she holds you to your deadlines.

Our wedding date is this Sunday, only a handful of days away, yet I can imagine a whole lot more can go wrong. I never expected the wedding to be perfect yet I never imagined that so many people would be so inept (what I listed is only the beginning). To keep myself sane and not to take out all my rage on Matt, I keep telling myself: The wedding is just one day, I have the rest of my marriage to look forward to.