Diagnosis
You wake from a night of restless sleep with a sharp pain in your ear. You are unsure what is the cause of this pain and you don’t know what to do to relieve the discomfort.
A Physician: says that you have an ear infection, and writes a prescription for ear drops.
A Psychic: tells you that someone close to your heart has recently been speaking ill of you.
A Coworker: spreads a rumor around the office that you are faking once again.
A Priest: asks why you haven’t been to confession, and tells you to say ten Hail Mary’s.
Oprah: doesn’t know what the cause is, but knows that someone is to blame.
The Republican National Committee: blames Bill Clinton. After all, everything else is his fault.
The Television Media: says this is a tragic trend which may lead to cancer, death, or even worse.
Your Significant Other: wasn’t listening, and did not hear what you said.
Your Father: points out that if you didn’t listen to that music so loudly, you wouldn’t have this problem.
Your Ex: says you have it coming.
A Feng Shui Practitioner: suggests that your home may need a compass reading.
A Psychologist: suggests that your illness may be stress-related.
Your Mother: asks to look at your ear, then makes something for you to eat.
Your Brother: offers to look at your ear, then pulls on your earlobe and laughs.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: suggests that ear problems are related to being overweight.
An Online Buddy: tells you a grueling and dramatic story about an earache they once had.
Your Child: doesn’t know why your ear hurts, but is glad to find the toy left underneath your pillow.
The Health Store Clerk: questions whether you have been eating meat again, and suggests more bran in your diet.
The Fitness Trainer: tells you to shake it off and to take a lap.
A False Friend: asks whether this means you won’t be going out on Friday night as promised.
Your Best Friend: hopes you will feel better, and tells you to call if you need anything.