Esoteric Bowl

Christmas day is a little over two weeks away and still I haven’t done any shopping. I haven’t wrapped any presents in pretty paper, nor have I tied any fancy bows. I don’t have a Christmas tree standing in the corner, and there isn’t a wreath hanging on the door.

I continue to wait for the holiday spirit to arrive, but still it has yet to come knocking on my door. Each day I am reminded of the Christmas countdown and of how many shopping days are left before the magical day is here. Perhaps it is the rhetoric concerning the other countdown, the one which marks the days towards an inevitable war that has put somewhat of a damper on all things merry.

I wish that I could close my eyes to the war on the horizon for the sake of having a Merry Christmas. I wish too that I had selective hearing where I could tune out all the talk of war at least until the season to be jolly was over. It’s all so hypocritical. This talk of Peace on Earth and goodwill towards others, all the while the discussions of bombing persist. It’s difficult to hear the little drummer boy when the drums of war are beating so loudly.

For a couple of years now, I have been corresponding with a friend that lives at the North Pole. He’s an elf that builds toys for all the good boys and girls for Christmas. As expected, this is his busy time of the year, so he is usually stressed-out. He recently sent the following list of 10 things that are upsetting him. I thought I would share it here with you.

* North Pole Weather: What, we couldn’t make toys in Tahiti?

* Detailing the Sleigh: I was hired to make toys, not to wash and wax the sleigh.

* Rudolf: Okay, you got a shiny nose; big deal. Get over it.

* Favoritism: Santa likes the Keebler elves better than the rest of us elves. It’s so frickin obvious!

* Mrs. Claus: Her constant sexual harassment pisses me off. If she makes one more reference to my dong as my “little hammer”, I swear I’m gonna freak.

* Reindeer Games: Those reindeer are always changing the rules.

* Midget Wrestling: It’s demeaning to all us little people. Besides, wrestling is fake.

* Work Environment: Constant threats of being put on the “Naughty List”. Like I give a damn.

* Santa Claus: He’s just not his jolly self since he quit drinking.

* Reindeer Pooh: It’s everywhere!

On Saturday morning, I walked over to 7-Eleven to get a carton of eggs. While I was there, I noticed in my grocer’s freezer a stack of white pie boxes. Underneath the boxes was a sign that read, ‘Pies-$1.79′. After my double-take at the price, I took a closer look to investigate.

Printed in blue on the bottom portion of each box were the words, ‘Napoleon’s Bakery’. Now I’m unsure if Napoleon’s is popular in every area, but here in Hawaii, Napoleon’s is known to produce some yummy baked goods. On the upper right hand corner of the boxes in small black print was the bar code and the listed price of $6.99. At that price, I would have just kept walking, but these pies were going for $1.79! According to my calculations, if I cut the slices into eight equal parts, that means each slice would only cost…umm, errummm,… it would be real cheap!

Pumpkin, custard, and apple. These were the three varieties that were offered. Obviously the pies were leftover from Thanksgiving, which meant that they were two days old. Maybe my standards are low, but I see nothing wrong with two-day old pie.

Suddenly, a brief vision crossed my mind where I saw my freezer at home filled with stacks of pies. I could have pie throughout the holidays. Pie for breakfast, pie for dessert, snack-time with pie, anytime could be pie-time! Yes, yes!

Fortunately for me, I came back to reality just before I began to dance in the aisle. I calmly selected one (1) pumpkin pie and paid for it along with the eggs. I smiled as I left the store, and went wee wee wee all the way home.