Seeing Children
It’s interesting how we see in frequency that which is on our minds. A couple planning a wedding will often discover the many other couples that are also engaged. Or those expecting a child will often remark how they are seeing an increased number of pregnant women walking about.
Perhaps it’s not the same thing, but when I’m out in town, it is children that I see. It’s strange in a way because children in general aren’t really in my conscious thoughts, but still I see them no matter where I go. They catch my eye in a way unlike adults do, and I am drawn to watch them.
They may be at one of the neighborhood diamonds playing baseball or softball. I’ll stand along the fences and watch them play and find myself quietly cheering them on. Or I will see the tiny girls at the grocery store, pushing their mock-carts like little mommies, and I can’t help myself but to turn and watch them in their pretend play. Sometimes I will sit in quiet meditiation at the park and soon find myself sitting amongst parents, watching the children as they interact with each other. Their laughter and giggles are infectious, and my heart skips a beat when I hear one of them crying.
I’m at a place in my life where I understand that having a child of my own is rather unlikely. I mean at my age, I don’t want to start making my own grandchildren. Admittedly, there was a time not so long ago when I would scan the personal ads to find an instant family, a single woman that had children of her own. And while there are many wonderful and remarkable single-mothers out there, I had the misfortune of meeting those few that had their priorities of parenting and partying mixed-up.
I gave up on that idea all together. Relationships are all too fragile it seems. It’s not fair to the women, the kids, nor to myself. Once you have a child in your life, its difficult to be without them. The child is always there in memory and thought, and it’s not possible to forget about them or to stop wondering how they are.