Punch & Kick
It’s kind of like a punch in the stomach, that sudden feeling of having the wind knocked out of me. I remember experiencing that feeling when my Grandfather suddenly died. Even more so when Millie died unexpectedly, as she was still young and we had recently exchanged correspondence.
To some extent, I felt that same loss of breath when I heard that Johnny Carson had died. I didn’t know he was ill. And then recently when Pope John Paul II died, I felt that sudden loss of breath. It surprised me that I had such a reaction, as I felt no real connection with the Pope, and his looming death was very much publicized. Still, I felt that sudden blow and the feeling itself scared me.
I’ve heard others say that one can never prepare mentally and emotionally for a loss of a loved one. I never thought of such things when I was young, as I was sure that I would die in my youth well ahead of everyone else. It didn’t happen that way, so now I’m left with the fear that one day the ultimate punch in the stomach will come.
I don’t like the fact that thoughts of losing my parents occasionally come to mind, and it’s uncomfortable to write about. Thankfully, aside from the occasional aches and pains, my parents are healthy and both should easily live 30 or 40 more years. Still, one never knows, and the occasional thoughts remind me of that.
Admittedly, there are times when such thoughts come to mind and I cry like a baby as if I’ve lost them already. I miss them both dearly, and I often kick myself for not absorbing more of their knowledge and wisdom. I kick myself for not asking them more about their lives and experiences and their points of view. I kick myself for not learning more about history and the love of ship-building from Dad. I kick myself for not learning more about the roots of our family and the love of dance and the arts from Mom. I kick myself for not debating politics with Dad more often, and I kick myself for not savoring each bite of food that Mom prepared. I kick myself for not looking into their eyes more often, and I kick myself for not hugging them both much longer.
May 10th, 2005 at 6:42 am
Stop kicking yourself, as long as you remember us, we will always be with you. I don’t know which is worse, missing someone because you are apart or because they are gone. I think that being apart is the worst because you keep thinking of things that you could be doing. After the person is gone you have all of the good memories, the bad ones fade from your mind. I will continue to be there for you. Love
May 10th, 2005 at 7:07 am
The love carries on and never dies when someone dies. You carry them in your heart. I think we all kick ourselves for not doing more when the people were alive, and sometimes we could have done more and others not. What’s really the key is, to treasure the time you’ve had and make sure they know how you feel. I often find myself crying at the thought of losing a loved one. This last week with my cousin passing away, it seems to put things in perspective again.
Even with someone I didn’t personally know, like Princess Diana. I still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news.
*HUGS*
May 10th, 2005 at 7:39 am
But the good thing is, they ARE still alive and you can still absorb, ask & learn! That was a wicked sweet comment by your Dad, btw
May 10th, 2005 at 10:23 am
Pass the kleenex. Very beautiful and heart felt, J.
I guess there’s no real way to feel like we’ve ever done enough or said enough. The internet helps me to make amends to my sister that I didn’t have a good relationship with growing up. I find peace in blubbering on to her about how much I love her and how much she means to me now. I guess we just have to work with what we have since we can’t go back and change anything. Take good care…
May 10th, 2005 at 4:30 pm
that’s something i am so scared of that i do not even have the guts to fully imagine it…
…like now, i can’t even go on with this comment.
i miss my parents.:( and i won’t see them till august…
May 10th, 2005 at 9:01 pm
I relate very much to what you wrote here. My parents are in their early 80s and Dad has been in the hospital most of the time since March and it kills me that I am not able to visit yet. I know it’s not too late (he’s got very good genes) but now we are making it a point to visit them regularly. My consolation is that most of my siblings live near them and they are in good hands.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
May 11th, 2005 at 6:39 am
Kane, you really tapped into my thoughts with this entry. I love that your parents read your blog!
May 13th, 2005 at 9:29 am
as Carly Simon sang, “These are the good old days….”
Yep, savor them.
May 14th, 2005 at 12:45 am
I’ve lost both of my parents and it is difficult sometimes to know I can’t just pick up the phone and have a chat with Mom or go fishing with Dad ever again. But the good things live on in my heart; I can remember all the good and choose to forget all the bad. Having recently been confronted with my own immortality I realize that we have to live one day at a time and enjoy it to the fullest!
May 17th, 2005 at 1:27 pm
I know how it is to loose a parent already and it is devastating. All I can do is remember all the good times, but I also I regret never getting to know her as a friend because she died by the time I was 14. I hurt for all the things I will never get get to experience with her, all the things that will never be.
May 17th, 2005 at 6:58 pm
Aloha! Whatcha doin’?
May 18th, 2005 at 2:44 pm
Come out and play. Okay?
May 18th, 2005 at 6:04 pm
we miss you…..love
May 19th, 2005 at 5:44 am
=(
I can relate fully to this post and miss my folks like crazy. But I also am extremely thankful that they are alive and that we can at least talk to one another every night. =) Take good care of you. Your folks clearly love you SO MUCH. As you do them. And that is without compare!
May 21st, 2005 at 5:08 pm
I remember having dreams of both my mom and grandmother dying when I was very young, and I’ve never forgotten them. I also remember a time when my parents were watching tv together, and I just broke down and sobbed in front of them because I knew that that moment wouldn’t last forever. I used to resent living with my parents (particularly my mom), but now I try to treasure every moment with them. Thanks for writing such a heartwarming and genuine post.
June 3rd, 2005 at 8:51 am
come back
June 3rd, 2005 at 5:50 pm
I hope that every thing is okay, Kane.
June 6th, 2005 at 8:28 am
speak
June 8th, 2005 at 3:38 pm
Missing you . . .
June 13th, 2005 at 6:57 pm
Kind of worried about you. It doesn’t seem like you’ve ever been this long without posting. I hope everything is okay. I have started posting my favorite words of the day, and so often they were yours. I miss your viewpoints on the world.
June 14th, 2005 at 7:57 am
Post soon!
June 15th, 2005 at 3:22 am
what’s up, kane?
June 15th, 2005 at 7:04 am
Has ANYONE spoken to Kane recently to know that he is ok?
June 16th, 2005 at 3:11 am
Sure miss you, Kane!!!! *BIG HUGS* Are you OK????
June 20th, 2005 at 7:59 am
wheeeeere aaaaaare youuuuu? *hugs*
June 24th, 2005 at 11:36 am
Kane is okay. He’s just taking a break…. He always comes back when he is ready.
June 28th, 2005 at 1:04 pm
Kane, are you ok? i also noticed that you haven’t post for a while now and want to see if everything’s alright. take care and smile!