Affairs & Apologies
Jude Law is the newest member of the I’m Sorry club. I don’t know why celebrities and public figures feel a need to publicly apologize for being unfaithful, but I suppose it has something to do with marketing. According to reports, Law’s fiancee was shocked to learn of the affair, which is rather amusing considering that she began an affair with Law while he was still married.
I suppose we all know someone who has had an affair while in a relationship. Personally, I’ve never had an affair while in a relationship, but I’ve been in relationships when the other person has had an affair. The first time was when I was twenty years old. I went to visit a mutual friend and when I arrived at the house the friend told me not to go inside. When I asked why, she told me that my girlfriend was in the bedroom with a guy. I could have responded in a number of ways, but I chose to go home instead. I was somewhat surprised that I didn’t feel jealous or hurt by the situation, instead I just shrugged it off. She would later apologize, but still I felt that we should go our separate ways.
The next affair would happen ten years later. The woman and I hadn’t been dating for too long, but the relationship had grown rather quickly. One night she tearfully confessed that she had “cheated” with an old boyfriend. She repeatedly told me how sorry she was and she asked for my forgiveness. In truth, while her confession surprised me, she was far more upset about her action than I was. In short, I told her not to worry about it and we moved on from there.
Being on the receiving end of such apologies feels rather strange, almost as if apologies don’t apply to affairs. I realize that some might take a partner’s affair as an act of betrayal, but I don’t. I’ve always felt that sex is a personal choice, and if someone apologizes to me for having sex, then it enters into control issues that I don’t desire. If you want to have sex with someone, have sex with them. Just protect yourself. And by all means, don’t come asking for forgiveness afterwards.
I’ve never felt a need to have an affair while in a relationship. Again, it comes out of personal choice. The way I see it, there are so many things in life that each of us compromises on, we learn to conveniently bend the rules to fit our own behaviors, and we make far too many concessions on our principles. I decided long ago that remaining faithful is one such principle I would stick to, not so much out of loyalty to another, but for myself.
July 19th, 2005 at 4:42 am
I’ve been on the end of someone else cheating on me, and I didn’t put up with it. I also started to get involved with one guy that was married but I didn’t know it at the time. I’m thankful that didn’t go far enough for me to call him a boyfriend at all. Its amazing how many married men hit on me online as well. Not via blogs, but via Yahoo Messenger. Its sad, really. I wouldn’t wish having someone cheating on anyone, it hurts to the core. As for what goes through their minds, I don’t know. I can’t imagine ever cheating on someone I’m involved with.
Have a good day my friend! *HUGS*
July 19th, 2005 at 4:56 am
Well written and insightful, Kane. If more people did what you say here: “If you want to have sex with someone, have sex with them. Just protect yourself.” there’d be a lot less divorces. If people weren’t forced into secrecy, if there wasn’t such an illicit thrill, it wouldn’t be so tempting.
July 19th, 2005 at 5:49 am
Interesting comments given a particular situation. But, as you say it is a personal choice.
July 19th, 2005 at 6:48 am
wow… now here’s a touchy subject for me. i’ve been cheated on a few times. and no, it’s definitely not pretty. i guess that’s why i’ve become a little more careful when it came to giving all of myself to a relationship. and i have to admit that even though i’m in a great relationship right now, there’s still a trust issue looming over our “semi-perfect” little world. i have yet to to throw all my caution to the wind. don’t get me wrong, i trust him… but never any further than i could throw him. hehehehe… but that’s the effect of being cheated on (multiple times no less…) Everytime it happens, it takes a little piece of faith out of you. and that’s so sad…
July 19th, 2005 at 11:15 am
wow, i’m amazed that you could be so ‘accepting’ of someone who cheats on you! i’ve never been in such a situation… but i will say that my fiance was cheated on by a best-friend-turned-girlfriend, and now he doesn’t want anything to do w/ her. and that has definitely made him lean more towards the protective/possessive/jealous side. controlled, that’s not necessarily a bad thing though.
July 19th, 2005 at 4:09 pm
Great post. I was referred here by Janet of Fond of Elves. While she and i often differ on our opinions we have great converstations about things such as these.
As you say, “There are so many things in life that each of us compromises on, we learn to conveniently bend the rules to fit our own behaviors, and we make far too many concessions on our principles. I decided long ago that remaining faithful is one such principle I would stick to, not so much out of loyalty to another, but for myself.”
I agree 100% but I hear your other points as well. Althouth the “If you want to have sex with someone, have sex with them. Just protect yourself.” wouldn’t work for me I understand what you are saying.
July 19th, 2005 at 6:33 pm
The last sentence of the first paragraph…classic. A scenario played out a million times. I must admit that your attitude toward cheating is… wow…not the norm. I do agree; you make a choice to do so or not.
July 19th, 2005 at 7:30 pm
Wow, I wish a lot of people felt the way that you do. I have never had an affair or cheated any boyfriend, but of course it is natural to be attracted to others. I mean to cheat on someone is to betray your principles. Most see it an an unforgivable act because sex is so personal. I find your point of view very interesting. Didn’t you at least feel a hint of betrayal, jealousy or anger?
July 20th, 2005 at 6:16 am
dear kane,
thank you for that, thank you for being you and thank you for your wisdom
July 20th, 2005 at 8:26 am
Thanks to everyone for sharing your interesting thoughts and perspectives.
Shirley; people can accept just about anything when it comes to matters of the heart. However, while possessive/jealous/controlling behaviors are often equated with love, they are often signs of insecurity.
Egypt; I felt shock more than anything else. While the “cheating” was similar in both situations, I was willing to accept it in one and not the other. I suppose the difference between the two is how I felt about the individual and the relationship.
July 21st, 2005 at 12:07 am
Great point on how you feel about the individual and the relationship. Not only can someone react differently with different people, but differently with the same person.
Kane, I believe that an apology is a form of quid pro quo. It’s not only important for the person saying sorry to share their thoughts and feelings, but to hear your thoughts and feelings. IMHO, acknowledgement of a message (good or bad) can be a very powerful tool.