Paper Cuts

I threw away my journal the other day because what had once been a safe place of reflection and self-discovery became a snake-pit. For three years, ever since coming back from Spain, I’ve written in these notebooks. I’ve hidden them from my parents, forgotten them at the beach, and have ripped out pages to blow my nose and spit out my gum. They’ve held everything from classes I’d be taking at UH and now-forgotten classmates’ contact info, poems I’d written while perusing the poetry section at Borders, even planned parenthood centers. They became my “woobie,” a nice quilt to cuddle my insecurities and cape my triumphs. I chucked the ol’ woobie in Tamarind Square after reading through months worth of complaining and bitching, and **blech* * A canvas for my thoughts had become an ugly graffitied wall. I was a little angry at myself, I’m guilty of journal abuse! Take me away constable. If and when I decide to begin another journal, I’ve got to lay down some rules, like a positive entry every three or four entries. Or something like that.

Onto other subjects: work’s going great; it’s nice to have positive cashflow; too scared to leap now, I wonder if someone will be there?

**And to all those f****** who like to leave comments under the names “free slots,” “viagra,” “home loan(s),” “blackjack,” and “free credit check” can at least write me a daily quote when posting your e-marketing crap so I can at least be amused and annoyed. Much mahalos there.

as my honey says…

and that is true…isn’t “potential” something that is given to you rather than something you actually possess? you don’t declare out loud that you have potential; often a person with an opinion who has authority (or the chops) will give (unto you) that coveted rating on the potential meter. oy.

i’d hate to define myself as someone with “potential.” way too much pressure, and it’s a bit jaded as well. potential to do what? what you want me to do? in the way that you think is fit to do it?

maybe i’m being a bit negative here but my point is, i’d hate to be loved/hated/or simply regarded as something based on my “potential”. if this was so in a relationship then the weight of my actions from that point forward would be about the other person rather than me. tomorrow is always a new day and i want the freedom to be whomever and to do whatever i choose.

potential, as in forever evaluating,
never resting,
a grade upon the refrigerator and the neverending medal to be won.

And somehow, on the way home with him I think to myself, “Wow this is déjà vu like. Now how does this one end?”

I strain to remember what the outcome of the evening, of the entire relationship, would be. I know it was something sad, but then again, bitter sweet? Or just sweet?

It was strangely familiar the entire scene: Honolulu city lights, winding up the road to my house, a nervous tension between us, the air conditioner carrying the scent of a time before when we’ve done this and been that.

I can’t tell if this is my first time in this car at this moment, or if I am just playing out a well memorized movie script in my head. Maybe I’ll just wake up. But then I’d miss being there in the car with him and having this moment. Even if it is only vaguely familiar and I have no idea what my next move will be…

Oh God. The GRE is upon us. Mom asks, “Why are you studying only now. Don’t you need more time?” Well, yeah I do, but there’s not enough study time in the universe for me to avoid making a big a## of myself. So I figure starting now is just fine. In preparation for taking the test sometime in October (Hey! No pressure with the “setting a date”thing ok?!), I’ve spent what, two whole days looking at a GRE exam preparation book and I’ve come to the realization that I think my IQ has taken a significant leap for the worst since I’ve graduated–heck, since I’ve taken the SATs to get into UH! And so, burdened with my huge apathy for math and the quantitative section of the GRE I thought I would cheer myself up by taking a gander at the Verbal Section. Much to my chagrin: This stuff is hard! Now you have to feel some of my pain considering that I have a degree in English and pride myself on stuff like Analogies, Reading Comprehension, and Antonyms! I am down with the grammar man, hip to the litwit theory, into the read-ing for com-pre-hen-sion! But tell me how can one accurately pinpoint that BAREFACED is to SHAME as HEADLONG is to FORETHOUGHT! Oh well, at least I’ve got my fractions and ratios down. FINALLY!

Being fresh out of college I never imagined that I would ever again have to deal with the issue of ukus. Boy was I wrong. As a reading tutor at an elementary school, today I came in to do my usual routine and was instructed that yesterday the class had a “case of the ukus.” As goes with usual uku exposure protocol, the class would have to be at the school nurse’s office promptly at 10:30 for an extensive uku check. I would have to follow along because this uku thing is apparently serious. The teacher, a very nice and very knowledgeable old timer, apologized to me for the interruption and commanded her class, in a very authoritative and in-control manner, to get in a line and move on out. The first-graders walk haphazardly to the office with the teacher in the background urging the stragglers to get on task. Waiting for the school nurse to finish lecturing the kids on how disorderly they were running to her room and instructing them to not touch a thing in her office, I noticed the last girl in line and her buddy D whom I’d tutored in the past. She was scratching her head. Miss T. comes by and asks her, “Is it really itching? It must be itchy huh?” The girl shakes her head “No,” not wanting to call attention to herself. Miss T. turns her back to attend to the kids in the front and there is my little man D, kolohe little kid, the runt of the class, with a mouth full of silver, full on scratching his head like a wild man. D had a bad case of it. At least that’s what it looked like. By that time I’m itching all over! I imagine buggies crawling everywhere and hey, is that something walking across my neck?!?! The uku neurosis had kicked in. Plenty of parents of little kids have told me about this, their kids come home with a note and everything goes in the wash. Plenty baths for everyone and random tweaking and scratching everytime a breeze passes by. Later on that day I am tutoring in my room and here comes D with his tutor. As he passes by he flashes me a huge smile showing me all of his shiny teeth. It appears that D didn’t have ukus…and I’m all itchy!

I am sitting here suffering from a huge food guilt attack. I’ve just downed the entire Great Harvest Bread Co. Blueberry Cream Cheese scone in one whiffle of a dinner break. Now when I am talking about cream cheese scone I do not mean a pitiful smattering of cream cheese oh so delicately massaged into the dough. I mean a chunk of the mother mass of cream cheese. I’m talking huge bites of cc in my mouth, so much of it I swear my teeth are now a glistening snow white. Oh heavenly delight of sinful naughtiness I am a bad bad girl. I’ve just returned from seeing “Little Black Book” with a good friend and must admit to enjoying it. Something about Brittany Murphy, she’s just so screwy…not quite all there…diabetic sweetness that I’m sure must come from a strong dosage of zoloft. She reminds me of someone…oh yes…she could be me. Something about the way she carries herself on screen. Or maybe it’s the roles that she plays…delusional women…trying to fit themselves into the world, yet always lacking. It’s all somehow very refreshing… like continuing to scratch (for pleasure) that really itchy mosquito bite that’s already an open wound.

I read an article recently in the HONAD that talked about how drivers exercising the “aloha spirit”are a detriment to Hawaii roadways. What’s wrong with slowing down to let a person merge, driving a little more cautious while it’s raining, stopping to let someone make a turn…last time I checked this wasn’t the mainland. Suck it up dude.
So the big news is that she (which is me) is still looking for a clue. Though it has been time well spent I’d say. I can’t believe that has been only 2 months since graduation; it feels like I’ve been a bum for much much longer.
I’ve eaten at some awesome restaurants lately: Marbella with it’s heavenly rack of lamb and wine selections. Had a great time with server Virginia who is from Portugal and an absolute sweetheart. Nicole the seasoned and sophisticated madam who is the epitomy of the saying “joie de vivre.” Ninnikuya with its sizzling garlic steak platters–oishi desu ne. Covenant Books and Cafe delicious sweets up the ying-yang and soups and sandwiches. Breakfast-for-dinner banana pancakes at Anna Miller’s followed up by strawberry pie. Yeeeeeeeeeeshhh!!! The next places to visit is L’Uraku near Ala Moana and Tokkuritei on Kapahulu.
Am working on maintaining a routine and finding a job…any job.

My horoscope in the Honolulu Advertiser for July 11, 2004 is as follows:
Sagittarius–
“You’re worried about whether you’ve got enough will power to change a habit of yours, but self-discipline is not the issue. When your perception changes, it’s easy to change your habit.”
True dat! Now my nose in the astrology book days are long gone and past but every now and then I like to check up on my horoscope. There are times when these things kind of zing you and you go “oh yeah, no?!” I particularly enjoy Rob Brezsny in his “Free Will Astrology” in the Honolulu Weekly. I think one time he told me I’d be making love to a jabberwocky. Go figure. This week he has got Don Juan philosophy for all and oh so refreshing too: “This is one of those pivotal moments when heaven comes all the way down to earth…” wow, UFO abduction anyone?
Don’t snicker those of you out there. I have never met a person who hasn’t at least once glanced at their horoscope for the day. Usually everyone knows their significant other’s sun sign. There is a functioning quality to the pickup line “Hey bebe, what’s your sign?” Damn straight the receiving end of that horror knows what you are talking about and can tell you their “tendencies” towards certain chocolates and faraway destinations. Yikes, see, it’s better not to ask anyway.
Uf, I’ve got to write this one in. Perusing the HonWeek there’s a personal ad from “MAUI NEW TO HAWAII: Wealthy Tiger Type. Pisces” He’s looking for a “Dark Tanned Model Petite Tall Slim to Slightly Atheletic Build.” I think you want a Libra buddy. Gosh aren’t we all trying to find the Dark Tanned Model in all of us. I know I am, it’d make bikini shopping a hell of a lot more painless… I wonder if these personal ad things work though… Here’s what I’d write: “Lonely kamaiana, looking for lavalava. If you are a well-endowed Adonis type (clarification: endowed to be applied to pants pocket area of above mentioned) looking for a vertically-challenged neurotic coffee addict please call (please!) *******. Well, at least I’m honest!
Getting back to the HonAd horoscope. Isn’t that true about perception? It’s all within us to be the people we want to be, we decide what is acceptable and what is not. Maybe high standards sometimes cloud our view of what is important and what is real. Like for this job thing. I was expecting an easy transition into the working world. Maybe catching a 35k job on my first try, but I’ve found that you’ve just gotta work with what you’ve got. My comfort is that there will always remain the option to get out and try for something else. Even if I have two kids and a mortgage down the line I can still find a way to go back to school or see the world. It’ll be harder but still possible…right? And there is nothing wrong with high standards as long as they don’t get ridiculous, meaning they don’t stop you from actually trying new things because you are waiting for the sure shot.

I think I was starting to get through to them though. By Friday I just had to give one look and things would settle down. The swearing was down to a minimum too and at least no one was throwing anything at me.
Don’t get me wrong, there were highlights and parts of the experience that I mourn for (dramatical eh?) and miss. One is when a student gave me his Chicken Soup for the Soul to read. I used it for a class activity and it really went well with the students. Another is getting to them to compose really great persuasive papers. Hearing their innovative excuses for talking in class or not getting work in on time. So much talent and potential in that class and so little incentive and motivation for learning. Granted it is summer, but school seems to be viewed as a negative that is there to hold them down and not to help them up. No respect for the teachers, the material, the books, the room, each other. But then I look around at the classroom and the fans are broken, the computers don’t work, and books from 1986 and I think, “Under these conditions, how can school be cool?”
I came in expecting the situation to be just a certain way. I’ve always thought I’d be a teacher, but now I don’t know. I wanted to touch them all, to help them break through. But I think that is where I started off wrong. Like dad says, “No can be Robin Hood all the time Kimm.”

I am still reflecting on this whole episode.

While I try and figure out how to get a photo onto this web page figure I’ll do a little writing. With Yvonne Elliman playing in the background and Royal Kitchen manapua in my tummy I’ve got this intense feeling of, well yes, lethargy, but also of tranquility. Usually “chaa-shu baaauuu-o”and feel good music does invoke this type of feeling, but I think this afternoon it is mainly due to the fact that I caught the bus from Windward Oahu to Leeward Oahu and back for the first time in ages. I don’t care what anyone says, The Bus is still awesome (but ho’ kind of expensive now huh?) and still getting things done for me. Never thought I’d be catching bus. In fact, after high school I thought it would be all pau, but eh, gotta save money now a days yeah. Leaving the the car home on this one.

I am starting my teaching job next week. Opened up my room for the first time. The janitor was inside waxing the floors. We talked a little. I asked her about the students and her reply was, “Some of ‘dem no good.” Yikes. This morning another colleague told me to make sure none of them fall in love. I guess it is because I look just about their age. So pretty good start. Next week Monday will be the first day and I am not so nervous. More so with dealing with the other teachers and administration than the students. Gotta make sure everyting stay up and up you know? I just want to get through the 5 weeks focusing on positivity and progress. I think I’ll stress this to the students, right after I tell them we are now turning OFF our cell phones, one time, and as a class. No RINGING in my class GONFUNNIT.

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