…na mana’o ulu wale…

For some reason, this year I’m not into it as much as I was in the past. Maybe it’s the stress of the job right now or maybe I’ve just been away from Hawaiian for too long. But I found myself getting bored and falling asleep. Some seem so dramatic…like they’re putting on a musical or something. It’s turning into a Song Contest ho’ike practically.

While watching, I begin to realize how old I am too. I remember doing all that they’re doing…but gosh that was 10-15 years ago! I look at the faces now of the dancers and feel so old! However, it also gives me a bad itch to return to hula and start dancing again. I’d feel like an old fart though among all those younguns.

And though I love the melodies and rhythm of kahiko oli…at times I have to turn the sound down because of the awful slaughter of the Hawaiian language. It’s almost embarassing. It kinda reminds me of Peggy Hill teaching her version of Spanish. You kinda want to laugh…but it makes you cringe as well.

But besides all that, it is nice to see the excitement for the hula, hear all the cheering, seeing people stay for the whole show and show their appreciativeness for the dance. “Celebrating the hula,” as Kimo just said. In this time of war and chaos, it’s nice to see people focused in on something different. And this is something I noticed last year–wow, where did all these men dancers come from? Back in the day when I was a part of the competition, you’d have like 5 women halau and then 1 male halau…that seemed to be the ratio, 5:1. Now…wow it’s almost every other one is a male halau! Where did all these men come from? Why the big explosion? I have my theories, though not very PC. But it is nice to see. Different, at least.

I don’t know, maybe tomorrow’ll be more exciting. I don’t really care that much for the ‘auana…it seems too commercial to me, with all that fancy holoku, tons of make-up, hair plastered into place, high heels … I don’t know, I usually don’t like it as much as I do the kahiko. But we’ll see. I could be surprised.

wow, finding a job is hard. I guess I always had it easy when I looked for a job–either they were very very desperate or they knew someone who knew me. Now, as I try to break away into a new career, I’m finding out what it’s like to really have to hunt for a job, what I had always heard people do after graduating from college, but never had to experience it myself. I do know that I don’t like it. It’s very disheartening. You read and see wow, that job’s perfect…until you get to the last line, “Applicant must speak/understand Japanese.” sigh Or something else along that line. Sounds perfect, except for one little qualification you don’t have. I feel like I have to go to school some 20 more years before I can meet anyone’s qualifications. And by that time, I’d be ready to retire!!!

It’s times like these I kinda wish I had gone ahead and married when I had the chance…I could be home with my own childcare business and not have to worry about medical insurance or making enough to pay the mortgage if my husband was working. What a corrupted view of marriage I have, anyway, if that’s all I see as the benefit of it!!!

Anyway…as I send out my 60th online application… *cross fingers*

Fires have been in the news a lot lately–especially those that are actually trying to commit suicide. I keep thinking, gosh, what an awful way to go. That must be so sore! But having gone through a weekend in complete pain, I admit, I can relate! (Though not the part about taking innocent children, I can’t do that to my son, if it ever got that far, I’d much rather have him live with relatives or something, than to die himself!) Gosh, why am I thinking such morbid thoughts? ack. But really…as I lay in pain, and finding the pain of heat was a more bearable pain than the real pain…I couldn’t help but think of it. I was going crazy. Sitting, standing, lying…it didn’t matter. I couldn’t alleviate the pain. It was horrible! My body couldn’t figure out what to do. I was literally driving myself crazy, constantly moving, constantly trying to find a position that was not painful, constantly twitching and everything…ick! I couldn’t stand it.

Now I’m going through the same kind of pain, but more emotionally than physically as it was this past weekend. But it’s still the same. It drives me crazy though this time it’s because I’m constantly thinking about it. *sigh*

I desperately need a new fire, a new passion to drive me forward. I gotta stop living beneath the rock with all the bugs and nasty creatures, and go out into the sunlight. I just don’t know where it is, which way is up, how to get out of this soot and ash, and into the bright heat of the sun. Burn away the old and start anew.

But how?

I know I talked about it earlier, and I didn’t mean it just relevant to me. I hear all the time from friends who work at customer service how people just snap at them and demand the most unreasonable things. I see it on TV, how people are so disrespectful. I see it in real life as well, at stores, banks, etc…some person chewing out a poor employee. So I wasn’t just referring to what happened to me, but as a whole…what is going on?

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day, which I don’t do often–I’m not home at that time. I remember watching him before, on Oprah on Tuesdays, but not really since he had his own show. I caught it the other day and he happened to talk about … how angry people are. He showed someone snapping at a drive-thru employee. I thought–see, that’s what I’m talking about! But then when you hear about the source of the anger, how it could be a molestation earlier in life, or a harsh judgement of parents over your shoulder…all I can think about is wow, what happened in these people’s lives that caused them to be the vicious, nasty people they are now? Were they all molested? Do they have the harsh judgement of their parents looking over their shoulders? Were they mistreated racially, and now taking it out on everyone else? Or maybe it’s guilt?

I know I’ve heard it before–people only put you down to make themselves feel more superior, because in actuality, they are inferior…but I never believed it for me. I thought I was the inferior one, the inadequate one. But as he dug down to find the source of each guest’s anger, I began to think…hmmm…exactly what is going on in their lives to have these incredibly high standards that is hard to live up to, so they get to belittle you when you can’t? Where is all that anger coming from? You know who I feel sorry for the most??? The kids in the household. My goodness. They’re going to grow up with that hostility…and probably pass it along. I already have one, where everytime I tried to praise the child, the parent would snap at me. He should be doing better, I was told haughtily. How is that child supposed to grow up?!?!??! He’ll never feel successful. I feel so bad for the children.
It’s also weird how they all end up in the same community. I never had problems like this in my last school, but they are two very different communities from different social brackets. Does it mean to be “successful” in order to afford to live in one community…you need to be stressed enough in your life, that you are so nasty? That those who are not so “successful” (and I’m talking financially here, I actually consider it more successful to grow up in a happy household) really have no cares in the world? I don’t think it is so…but wow. Weird.

How can we stop the cycle of harshness? I’m already burnt out by all the criticism. I can’t even fathom having to work 20 years from now with the children of children in this generation…how will they, as parents, be? Probably just as harsh, or worse, because that’s all they know. I shudder to think of working then. I really need another career…if I can’t live up to expectations now…how will I in the years to come?

Unless we make everyone go on the Dr. Phil show… :bbbb