…na mana’o ulu wale…

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older…

There are songs that just go over and over and over in my mind… (oh great, now I got Nelly’s song going on in my mind! hehe) … and no matter what, I just can’t shake it from my thoughts.

For the past few days, I just could not get the song “Take a Bow” out of my head. Why? It’s not the greatest song in the world. In fact, it’s not even my most favorite Madonna song (that goes to “Get Into the Groove” or “Crazy For You”, when I’m feeling romantic). But its sad and lonely melody keeps playing in my head.

There’s no one here
There’s no one here, there’s no one in the crowd

And the funny thing is that I can’t even stand to listen to that song, especially when it was popular, or just after it. It made me cry. Not just sniffling, teary eyed cries, but huge, heaving sobs. In fact, for years after, I could not listen to that song. I couldn’t even watch the video (so I never got it when people were saying that her video was weird…). Only recently could I stand to listen to the song. Sure, my heart still twangs at hearing it…but I found out the other day, I could actually sing all the words without so much as a tear forming. Well, okay, my eyes were moist, but no tear dripped down my cheek! ;P

I’ve always been in love with you
I guess you’ve always known it’s true
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say goodbye

At the time I was engaged. I personally didn’t see the rush–I was still in college and figuring out what I had wanted to do in life. But my fiance insisted. We were meant to be, he kept telling me. It’s never going to be as right as it is now. So I agreed, and we had made all these plans. I was actually in the process of writing out invitations. My hands were sore from writing, so I decided to take a break. I went to the computer and checked my e-mail.

And there it was…an e-mail…from my fiance.

All the world is a stage
And everyone has their part
But how was I to know which way the story’d go
How was I to know you’d break…
You’d break my heart

It was titled, “The show is over, say goodbye.” He had some short thing about moving back home, he didn’t think it was going to work out between us. And he ended it his email with the same line… “The show is over, say goodbye.”

Say your lines, but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say
When there’s no one around

I never heard from him again. Not in person, not through email. He disappeared. But with that hastily-written note, he left a line that would forever haunt me…“The show is over, say goodbye.” That line pierced my core and its pain lingered for days, months…years. How? I had no answers. I checked with his friends, they were just as shocked as I was. He just left me with no explanation but he was going back home and it wasn’t working out. I didn’t know what I did. I didn’t know what I had said. I didn’t know what it was that was wrong, so even how to fix it…and perhaps that was what hurt the most. One day it was there, and the next day…gone. And I had no idea why or even how. I almost wanted to hear that it was another girl, or something…some kind of reason for it to just be over with like that. But I got nothing. Nothing but a big broken heart and an intense dislike of hearing the one song that made me think of that heartache.

It comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you’re breaking my heart
Hide behind your smile…

The thing was…he had quoted the song, I guess meaning to pick up on the “it’s over. goodbye” part without having to say much more. However, when looking over the lyrics, I saw that it actually applied more to me, than it did to him. I was the one who thought it was all a show with him. He played me well. Made me believe that he actually loved me, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But I think it was just a stage thing for him. And I really did not know that our relationship would take the turn it did–it totally caught me offguard. How was I to know which way the story’d go? How was I to know he’d break my heart?

Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played
No more masquerade, you’re one lonely star

That was over ten years ago. I’ve grown since then and actually went through two similar relationships where we were almost up to the altar…then they bagged on me. One, the exact same way, through email. The other at least had the guts to tell me to my face. Now…I survive on my own. Much more cautious than before…but I’m doing well. I’m glad I can finally have the song back, with just a sad remembrance (as compared to sobbing so hard it made my head hurt). I just wonder why it’s popped into my head so often lately. Is it an anniversary of something? It’s been so long ago that I don’t even remember any more.

Music has always been important in my life, tied to very strong emotions. It can make me deliriously happy (”Fly”), strangely reminiscent (”If You Leave”), or very sad (”Take a Bow”). I sometimes wonder, out of all the songs I hear now…how many of them will become so emotion-ridden as “Take a Bow” was for me. You just never know when it will be tied to you, what will jump out at you to make it memorable…

Maybe even through an e-mail…

Say goodbye…