crossroads
trying desperately to think of a song to describe my mood, but i cannot…
i just don’t know what to do any more, and i hate feeling like that. i like to think that i have some control over my life but lately i feel like i have none at all. i don’t know what’s happening and i don’t know how to fix it.
i know it’ll take more soulsearching, but the thing is, i don’t have much more time. i have to make up my mind soon, but i’m so indecisive! augh!
well, we’ll see what happens.
…
been watching the marathon for celebrity fit club 3 since i hadn’t seen a single episode but had seen the commercials with kenickie getting all upset and i wanted to see what that was about since grease is one of my favorite movies. i can relate to some of them–i swear, i try and try and eat right and exercise (well not as much as i should but i still do more than i did when i was in college) yet i still gain weight and my doctor doesn’t believe that i do try. he thinks i’m lying when i do food and exercise journals! but i see the same things with some of those celebrities, some of them end up gaining each week and the panel gets all upset at them. how do we know it’s not muscle gain? i remember feeling shame my freshman year when i actually gained weight when doing the semester training for our 15k run. it was only when they explained to me that it was muscle weight, seeing that my fat % had gone down. but i guess it’s hard to gain 2 lbs of muscle in just a week (is that the time frame between the shows? i couldn’t tell). anyway, makes me wonder if something’s wrong with me that i can try but i still gain? seems weird. and i don’t like being called a liar by my doctor. so i wonder if there’s something that can explain this.