…nā manaʻo ulu wale…

i had written this two months ago, but never posted it, as i wrote it more for therapy. the hurt is still there, but i thought i’d go ahead and publish it, just to remember. i thought about adding more to the ending, as it was just abruptly cut off, because i couldn’t finish it…but maybe later. it’s still too hard to think about.

it was a cold, dreary afternoon. i especially noticed the clouds rolling in from the mountains, as i sat in my crinkly nylon blue chair, on the sidelines of the soccer field. i was watching my son do his soccer drills, but couldn’t keep my eyes from drifting upwards towards the mountains. the clouds were all different shades of gray–huge, heavy clouds, slowly shifting, changing, crawling towards us.

the air was especially chilly, and i wished i brought my sweater with me. i snuggled up in my chair and continued to watch my son, though the thoughts in my head kept me from being warm. after the practice, we were planning on going to the graveyard to visit the grave of a close family friend, who had died a year ago that day. it was very hard, as i still get very weepy thinking of her. she was very good to me, and just adored my son, treating him as if he was her own grandchild, often remarking how he reminded her of her own son. we were upset at her passing, and it was very hard to face her son after that, too–for the longest time, it was just her and her son, and when she left us, her son just crumbled. i couldn’t look at him without crying, to see the hurt upon his face. i know if i ever lost my mother, that would be the end of the world for me, so how much worse it was for him, because she was his only family. he never knew his father or even his grandparents, and he has no siblings. it was going to be hard to go to the grave again, but i knew we had to. she was very special to us. so these thoughts were going through my head, as well as the image of her son, looking so lost, the day of her funeral. it took everything to keep me from bawling right there on the soccer field.

after practice, we drove to the graveyard. as we walked out, the air hit me and chilled me to the bone. i stared at each headstone we walked by, wondering what the story was for each person, reading names and noticing the dates, then quickly calculating to find the ages. after initially getting lost, we finally found her grave. there were tons of flowers all around her graveyard. it made me a little happy to see that others had been there before, also showing their respect. she was very much loved. we managed to squeeze our flowers in, took some time to just reflect and remember, before saying goodbye through sniffles and tears, and taking the long journey back to the car. we were huddled together in the chilly air, yet i felt so alone, too. my mind started spinning into the morbid territory it gets into every once and in a while, and i thought, i have to change. my head was already aching from the crying; i had to start thinking happy thoughts.

she introduced us to her cousin and husband about 3 years ago. her cousin was very artistic but very driven–knows what she wants and won’t stop until she gets it. her husband was very personable, though at times, i couldn’t tell if he was joking or being serious. they were starting their own business and wanted to know about websites, so i was recommended to talk with them by her cousin, our close family friend. i started up a little website for them, and since then, we were pretty close, with her emailing me every now and then, asking for help, or for certain tweaks here and there. i would go to their home on the steep, sloping hill, stepping gingerly, afraid of slipping and sliding down the hill. they were so nice to me, very generous people. her husband, especially, took a liking to my son, as they bonded over their knowledge of dinosaurs. he missed his granddaughter, who lived on the mainland, and whom he rarely got to see, so he loved it whenever we came over, so he could spend the time with my son. he was also very close to our family friend, always teasing and joking with her. he took it hard when she passed on, but was also such a strong support for her son. he really helped her son with funeral arrangements and tying up the loose ends. so naturally, being up at the grave made me think of them in my desperate attempt to keep my mind from going into the morbid abyss it’ll go to every once in a while. as i drove home, i thought to myself, i better go email them and check to see how they’re doing, since i hadn’t see them in a while. i was thinking we could visit soon, since i was sure he must be missing my son–they had a lot to catch up on with their dinosaur talk.

instead, when i got home, i went right to sleep. i was still recovering from my bug so i was feeling exhausted, not to mention the crying i did earlier really caused my head to ache. i just wanted to snuggle up under the blankets, feel cozy and warm, and drift off to sleep. i wanted to feel safe, and didn’t want to be up thinking of death. i didn’t even bother to stay up for lost, which i normally would’ve fought the sleep for. i just wanted to feel that warm, fuzzy feeling. i quickly fell asleep.

the next day was a typical day of work, and though very tired, i was looking forward to the long weekend. i came home happy, even though i was tired, thinking that i would have a nice break. i settled down into bed and burrowed under the covers, turned on the tv, and had me a nice, hot bowl of stew. i felt content.

the phone rang. it was my mom’s number, but i wasn’t too worried, because we were supposed to stop by the next day, and i figured she was just calling to see what time we were going to be over. but it was my sister, and the tone of her voice made me panic. i thought something happened to my mom. but then she asked if i was watching the news, and then i just heard “…died.” so i was thinking of celebrities, presidents, stuff like that…why else would it be on the news? but i couldn’t figure out what would make her so upset like that? then she quickly passed me off to my mom, because she had to leave, and my mom then came on and told me what happened.

i was in shock. what? not? how? but…? my mom said she saw it on the 5pm news and that’s how she found out, and i should watch the 6pm news to see. i really did not want to believe it, thinking she must’ve heard wrong. because how? why? no way…

but sadly, she hadn’t heard wrong. they showed the house, the very same house i’d walk down to slowly, afraid to slip. they interviewed a neighbor who confirmed the news. tears started to stream down my face. but he can’t! no! he was young! and on the day after the one year anniversary of his wife’s cousin’s death? the one he was really broken up over, and really helped out her son? suddenly, my thoughts turned to her son. how was he going to take the news? i couldn’t believe it.

i went to bed that night very depressed. i remained in the fetal position under my blankets for a long, long time, thinking about life and how quickly it can be gone. the next day, we went to visit his wife. between the tears, she talked about all her regrets, including not even hearing the accident happen, and not finding him until later. she worried about him dying alone; she fretted about the numerous times she told him not to go down there; she remembered fondly how he promised to fix up the house for her; but most of all, she wondered how she was going to keep going on in a world without him. he was handling all the financial part of their business, but not only that–he kept her grounded, and he was her knight in shining armor when her life was spiralling out of control.

he will be sorely missed. he was a generous, good man, taken too soon. rest in peace.