…nā manaʻo ulu wale…

i always feel like somebody’s watching me / and i have no privacy …

1. i watch too many forensic crime shows, and i get it in my head that it’s going to happen to me. well, there has been a break-in, or at least an attempted break-in, here, so i have reason to be afraid. especially the other day as i was walking to the mailbox to check the mail, i saw at the next building over a boy standing right up next to a window. he looked to be a teenage boy and he was just right up by the window. i had no idea what he was doing. i wonder if he knew that that house is owned by a police officer? anyway i stayed and watched for a while, to see what he would do and if i’d have to call the police. but then he went away. i don’t know if he was calling his friend, peeping inside, or what? but that was scary, even though the boy looked to be about 12 or so. anyway, yes. since witnessing that, ***paranoid!***
2. i swear i have a paranoia of cameras. i just don’t trust them. even if a student points one my way i’m like what are you doing and why are you doing that? what is it for?
3. whenever anyone approaches me (especially at work), i really do think they’re coming to yell at me, even if they’re smiling. i really don’t trust people who say they “need to speak with” me. more like they’re going to yell and bite my head off.
4. i can’t go around a certain town without feeling totally paranoid, like everyone hates me. i swear i see stink eyes from anyone who glances my way. i still get all woozy, even though that was years ago. i still feel like someone is just going to appear in front of me and start chewing me out, right there in front of everyone. *shudder* so i’m constantly trying to sneak around or find places to hide whenever i’m somewhere where i think some of those people might be.
5. because of the above, i fear being stalked. i actually was, during this time. so whenever i drive, i’m constantly checking the rearview window and if i think a car looks too familiar, i will go out of my way to drive anywhere else but home, to try and “lose” the car. of course, the car probably had no idea, but yeah. paranoid.
6. i just noticed the tips of two of the tines on my fork is missing. eeeek. i ingested plastic.
7. i soooo think this house is home to a giant king centipede who is just waiting for me to relax and let down my guard so it can come and pierce its fangs into my skin and inject tons and tons and tons of poison into me. i’m serious.
8. if anything “good” happens, i automatically think something bad is going to follow. i don’t know if that’s a paranoia, but i can remember being a teenager and still thinking that way when we were getting the nintendo (finally!!!)–while riding home, i was so sure i was going to get into a car accident and never be able to play it.
9. i tend to think little pains means i’m having a heart attack. how many times have i called my mom asking her to describe what it feels like because i think i am having one right now?
10. i am very nervous in water. i’m always sure i’m going to drown. i don’t like riding in boats because i feel like it’s going to tip over and i’m going to get my foot caught in a giant clam and i’m going to drown.

… i think i’m paranoid … and complicated …