Lika’s Log

Yestadays ‘Duck Story’ made me think about forgiving. I like to think that its easy for me to forgive. In general not a problem. If you want to talk specifics or malice physical injury or hurting my kids and ohana well we ain’t going there. Hypocritical I know.

I’m not a person who likes to knock heads over stuff. I just assume go with da flow, a serious flaw on my part sometimes to a fault but wot it works for me. I ain’t confrontational but I do give “stink eye” and talk stink about your business or ugly service in a heartbeat. LOL

I like to think its not hard for me to say I’m sorry, I was wrong. Then again other people may see it the another way if I have wronged them. People may see me as a true gutless bitch, I dunno and I haven’t asked. Do I need to know? *L*

I think the hardest thing is forgiving myself. Maybe its da guilt I learned growing up Catholic. Why not blame it on religion? It definitely is a lot of things rolled into one and not just one thing. Unless it is a total character flaw that’s just built in like that. *L* So wot do I have to forgive myself for? Ummmmm no I shouldn’t go there. LOL

I need to forgive myself for lying to myself. I do that alot, telling myself one thing knowing its another. Survival tactic, no doubt. You gotta believe and I say that but do I do that? On occassion. *L* Faking it can be lying, lying sometimes lead to more lies then sometimes I start believing my own lies. Hellisdatabout? Denial. Or a form of. Its also a form of lack of self esteem. Ah, truth hurts like that.

A friend of my was in therapy and told me one of the assignments was to go to all the people from the past and forgive them in person or if they are no longer here write a letter to them. So that included going to parents & stepparents all this seedy adults and old friends. Listening about it made me think of who would I need to go and forgive.

Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done…and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, debt, fear, hatred, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, etc.)… whatever it is…. You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing…..

One thing about forgiving some one after years & years of the actual incident is that one person remembers it more painful then the other. You or the other person may not think of it as bad as it was. I know it feels really junk to admit I did somebody wrong and its hard to spit it out. Once I say it, I brace myself for some backlash and usually its like “shuddup thats watah unda da bridge.” No doubt theres a lot of bridges but even so moe watah, deep watah. *L*

Its good to know that God is a forgiving God. So if he made people in his own imagine we should be able to forgive ourselves. I’m working on it.

I use to say “I’m sorry” alot. People constantly told me “shuddup.”

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 22nd, 2005 at 6:16 am and is filed under Da Kine. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.