Lika’s Log

[From this mornings emails.]

Summary of My Year on the Computer

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the e-mail about rat poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel
with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital
for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special email program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me,
and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to
watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my
back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse
to put, ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in
my face… Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise..

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan

I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from
Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because
a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can live a better life now because
he’s told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick
up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably
was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don’t forget this one either!
I can no longer drive my car because
I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don’t send this email to at least 47,000 people
in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:47 p.m. this afternoon and the
fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s
second husband’s Cousin’s beautician.

Have a wonderful day… AND a scientist from Argentina ,
after a lengthy study, has discovered that people
with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late!