Archive for the Humor Category

There’s also all da ada kine ethnicities logic but if you chop suey’um all togedda den its LOCAL kine yeah.

Case in point: SAME BUT DIFFERENT
So one time me and M was trying fo’teach her DH how to play Sakura/Hanafuda right. We was showing him all da related pic-chas see da flowas, 5cent, 10 cent, 20 cent. See da stork da moon whatevas. M puttum’ all in da catagories right and we said see all dis same. SEE da same same kine. DH who is originally for East LA (odale vato?) says: “I don’t see anything that is the SAME. Same means they are exactly alike and there is nothing exactly alike.” Technicalities yeah, aysos. Me & M look at each ada, SAME BUT DIFFERENT! Plus we gotta pause fo’tink what is da HAOLE word for “same but different”? HELLO! SIMILAR! We was all proud of ourselves we figured out da haole word of da day, Similar. Yeah, they’re related like same family but different. OK, DH understood “similar.”

Anden my #2 was laughing cause her was telling me to explain the Same But Different concept to her friend. And I said “Think of two brothers that you wen “makeout” with, Same But Different.” Same family hah but still yet different. AKA NOT dat same same. LOL

My Fahdah use to say “KILL DA LITE.” Smartass child dat I wuz/am would stand next to da light switch and ack like I stay stabbing’um to death. I learned not to do dat afta da belt wen whizzing across my okole. LOL – I can laugh now, no was funny back then.

ME I say “THROWEM’ IN DA SINK.” You know like da dishes and stuff. Or like laundry, “THOWEM’ IN DA WASHA.” Perfectly correct right. My smartass kids stand at da table or where ever and ack like dey going literally throwem across da kitchen and into da sink. So I have to givem da stink eye and dey laugh and say “WOT you said throwem.” Dey neva get da belt, but I go afta dem and dey run away cause dey know if I catch dem I going PINCH.

Its not so much logic yeah, more like things get lost in da translation or maybe cause it needs translation. LOL But dats da beauty of it, ain’t it? It keeps things interesting, to say the least.

One time at my cousins house, my #1 had a plate to take home and she asked my cuz, “NT Do you have a sack?” My cuzin, Kauai girl yeah, she wen look at me wit dis big eye long neck clueless look. My #1 was looking at both of us like WTH… ANDEN da word came to me and I looked at my cuzin and yelled PACKAGE! ALL three of us just busted out laughing. Moe worst now my cuz says SACK and my daughta says PACKAGE.

Back in da day wen I first was married and still had my just off da plane Tita-accent. OMG me and DH – him from Oklahoma and me who could not talk straight English fo’save my life. Auwe, use to be too funny. Like DH is da first person to ask me what does bumbai/bumbye mean? I was like HUH? I tawt a-body knows what bumbai means, I tawt dat was English. It took a whole day to come up with one haole kine answer. Bumbai means bumbai – NOT NOW Bumbai. And da bugga could not undastand dat! I had to find haole words, and I had one real limited straight English vocabulary back in da day. Still yet now kinda chopsuey but I know moe den I use to. LOL Swear to God it took me ALL day to figure out, bumbai means LATER, bumbai as in kinda like by and by. SEE da buggah undastood Later and by&by AND so how come he no could tink it, not now bumbai. Auwe. LOL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hit counter dreamweaver

hit counter script

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

(9) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.

(8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

(7) You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

(6) It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

(5) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

(4) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

(3) It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

(2) Less guilt the morning after.

AND THE #1 REASON IS. . . . . .

(drum roll please…..)

YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

~~~~~~~

Ain’t this corney. LOL

Made you:

a) shake your head
b) roll your eyes
c) actually laugh
d) all of the above
e) only a & b
f) only a & c
g) only b & c
h) none of the above*L*

Needed to share this with you all. Just a reminder…… *L*

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel,”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration c lerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first! Me
first!” says the admin. clerk.
“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, >”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Ha’come Filipinos dey juss crack up wen get jokes about Filipinos? Even doe some are real stereotypical “eat black dog” bookbook jokes la dat, most Filipinos I know will laugh. Dey no get offended kine like you know some nationalities who I will not mention, get all huhu ova Portagee jokes, OOPs or Polish or Supasize Polynesians. Some people find it very offensive, demeaning, sterotypical, and insulting. But Filipinos ~ buggahs juss laugh! Am I wrong? Watch some Bookbook come in hea and flame blast me. I no caya, I going laugh. *L*

Maybe cause I dunno dat many “off da boat” oh, its planes hah now; Filipinos. But even da ones I know who are from PI, dey will laugh at all da PI jokes. Its all about da accent & attitude I tink. I tink as Locals we all identify wit somebody who talk & ack la dat. Be it family, friends or neighbors, us all laugh. I think us da first ones to laugh at ourselves before anybody else.

Maybe it was something we learned from our parents or grandparents. Like I neva tawt my Fahdah was funny. I tawt he was mean, buggah had da belt yeah. I didn’t appreciate his sense of humor till I was a parent. Now, late reaction; I know da buggah was one Filipino Archie Bunka/George Jefferson rolled into one.

My all time favorite Filipino humor email:

Ok, all you locals out there. Let’s see how good your Filipino-pidgin-English is. Try to figure out what Benny Degoosegoose is saying in all these phrases below. You have to remember the consonants that Filipinos cannot pronounce and use your best slurrr and dialect to reveal what Benny is trying to say!

“Benny, how would you use these words in a sentence?”

1. Tenacious — Beporr you go out, put your tenacious on.
2. Deposit — Call de plahmer. Deposit is leaking.
3. Splat — Oh my goodness, my tire is splat!
4. Associate — When I went to de battrroom, associate in de toilet
5. Hostess — When de pone rings, I ask hostess?
6. Persuading — Tomorrow will be my persuading anniversary.
7. Depressed — Depressed is da one who leads mass on Sundays.
8. Deficit — Bepor you jahmp in de pool, check how deficit.
9. Statue — Oy, Pedro…Statue?
10. Penis — Bepor you go out and play, penis your homework.
11. Uno, Dos, Tres — Uno! Dos tres are burning!
12. Chicken Nut Bread — My sista no kin schwim. She jamph into de wahterrr and chicken nut bread.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHICKEN NUT BREAD is classic! Every year I get dis email and every time I get it I laugh hard and email it to everyone. Like I’ve never sent it to them before. I know dey laughing or dey wen delete’um. How can you not laugh. Oh you not local or you are PI or you have no sense of hummerrr (humor).

The piece above, I received today and it blamed Benny Dacoscos. After years of seeing this email I know, no was Benny Dacoscos. This is the first time I’ve seen it with a name. And no, I neva check snopes.com but I tried, dey neva heard of Benny Dacoscos. But I have. The name sounded so familiar. Anden Lynn emails me and tells me Mama is going to karang her wit da cane cause she knows da Benny Dacoscos family. OMG as one Kauai name huh? I was tinking my Grandma knows thier Grandma or my mahdah and/or aunty & uncles is da classmate or someting la dat. Small world you know.

So if any of da Dacoscos family is reading dis ~ “No wuz me.” I just da one dat wen forward’um, again. I dunno why dey wen pick on Manoy Benny unless Manoy Benny is da one dat wen add his name cause da bugga funny and he like da credit, den eh, moe powah to you, Noy! *L*

You figgah dey could of used any Filipino name with repetative syllables. Coulda been Jody Tacatac. Its just me Jody, rememba I use hang out wit Macky from down da street. Or dey could use Danielle Pacatangtang. My X-niece inlaw. Which reminds me. Danielle, Raydon said quit using his name, you are not a Vasquez anymore; let it go.

Oh and my 2nd favorite emailed Filipino funny is da speghetti recipe one. Compliments of Manoy Lurkah: (he neva write’m he just da messengah, like me *L*)

Ispagiti ricipi:

Ip you like to mik pilipino ispagiti, you jus dipros dee grounbip, ah. Andin you pollow dee diriksyon in dee kwan. Dee kwan, you know wat I’m reperring to. Dee diriksyon on dee ispagiti plastik and dee sauce mix.

Instid ob iting wid dee pork, you it wid your an. Ay, dat is how we do it in da pilipeens. Ip der is lipober, you put it in dee prigideer. Andin tomooro, you it it por brikpas. Ip der is still somor, you jus hab it por lunsh at work. You can also it dee ispagiti wid rrice. Dat is Filifino ispagiti. Andin ip der is still somor, ay do not tro dat away. You jus gib it to dee doogs or cats outside, ah. Dat is becos ispagiti is por long lipe. I don’t like to see it weested. So, mga kababayans, you itry dis ricipi.

Ok this recipe thingee, is hard for me. Call me haole-fied, but I don’t hardly hear this accent roll de R’s voice where I live so I kinda struggle. I gotta readem’ out loud and kinda exagerate. Den I laugh moe at myself den da piece itself. Lolo az why.

What cracks me up is only another Filipino could come up wit dis kine Filipino jokes. Because you have to have an “ear” for it, yeah. I mean, “hostess” by itself is just hostess. But the phone rings and I ask hostess? I’m thinking OMG, as my Grandma talking.

You ever listen to one highly educated highly accented fresh from the Phillipines Filipinos. My sister was telling me she couldn’t help but bussass laughing when one of the PI doctors said:

“Pleeesse be shhurrr to change de shits.”

Why is da country Phillipines, but da people Filipinos?
Bekuzzzzzz Pillipinos Rrrrrrr Punny. *L*


Speaking of Black Dog……. (you know who you are ~ Adobo mongers *L*)

Once one time, high school dazes yeah ~ Us wen go cruise Waikiki anden ended up Diamond Head side da Lighthouse ovalook. Yeah, ova deya. Had tree(3) car load of us Waipahu kids. We was just hanging out, some sitting on da hoods of da car, some insai da car talkstory ladat. Me and my girlfriend was walking on da wall, we start at one end anden go to ada. Us stay looking in da cars, see if anybody stay making out la dat. Da usual niele kids.

So us was standing on da wall talking to our friends sitting on da hood of da car. Dis van of haoles pulled up, 5 peoples with one small black dog. So dey stay checking out da scenary. Anden one of da guys said:

“Hoooo, you know wot I neva eat long time.”

Da ada guys goes:
“Wot? Wot you stay ono fo?”

“Long time I neva eat DOG!”

“oh me too, da bestest is Black Dog, yeah.”

“Us should go hunting I tink.”

As soon as Bruh wen say “eat dog” dose people wen pick up their dog and load up da van and hele on outta deya. Was so funny. So wrong but eh, us wuz in high school.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rememba use to could cruise Kalakaua up and down. As wea da action was hah? (Now stay one way, junk) You could drive up dat strip anden turn around at da zoo anden go down again da ada side. K~I hungout wit about a dozen peoples, in tree(3) cars. Had one Black 55 Chevy called Sylvester, 1 Black Roadrunna called “da BeepBeep” and one white Firebird known as da “TweetyBird”.

Us was cruising Kalakaua, da cars in dat ordah. I was in da 55, Sylvester, sitting in da back seat by myself. Da Bruh in da front seat passengah side wen stick his head out da window and stay looking up. Us stay cruising really slow kine crawling, in traffic yeah. So copycateatdarat, I go look out da way he stay. I’m like “eh, wot you looking at?” Da Driva stay cracking up, try look all da peoples walking. I started cracking up, cause people walking was looking up in da sky too. So I go stick my head out too and make sign language to da cars behind us, look up and look at da peoples walking. Ok ack-cha-lee I wen yell instructions. So next ting you know everybody around stay looking up in da sky. Dis is like 10:00 pm, so Waikiki is busy yeah. All da peoples walking stay looking up, ada peoples across da street start looking up, ada driva going both ways stay looking up too.

Den one of da guys in da Roadrunnah hanging out da window wen yell really loud: “DON’T JUMP!” OMG I was sooo cracking up. Da tourist on da side walk was like all panic kine going closer to da shops, some came out toward da street so dey could look up da Hotel us was in front of. It was sooooo funny. You kinda had to be there. LOL Us always had good fun.

Like driving up Kunia road da driva would turn off da lights. Scarey da kine, juss pitch black. Down Kipapa Gulch side too. Somebody would always suggest us go Mililani graveyard go spock da Hail Mary statute. Da story was if you go afta midnight, you can see da statute walking around da graveyard. Moe worst us juss scare ourselves cause one of us girls would scream juss to make everybody else scream. Everybody be all squeeze ass & futless kine, telling da driva fo’hurry up and hele. Anden da faka would turn off da lights, hala moe screaming at da graveyard afta midnight. Dis was all good fun kine, no had drugs or drinking just screaming and laughing.

One time I went wit my Leilehua friends, had three of us. Us went Kahuku cause she was “in love” kine wit one of da Kahuku basketball players I think. Wen we got to Kahuku I asked “wea da guys hangout?” Kahuku in like 1970 was way way quiet you know. I was tinking us was going to some place in da camp. But my friend said “Dey stay at da graveyard.” I was like are you serious. Her was. Da cemetary closest to da beach side pass da camp. OMG we get deya and get cars all parked on da side la dat. Can see peoples sitting on headstones. We park and go talkstory wit our friends ova deya and me, I just had to ask.

“You guys not scared hangout in da graveyard?” One Buggah said, “eh us no boddah dem, dey no bodda us, its cool.”


I love George Carlin. He’s just goofey smart. Here’s one of his pieces:

George Carlin on Indians

“…Now the Indians. I call them Indians because that’s what they are. They’re Indians. There’s nothing wrong with the word Indian. “First of all, it’s important to know that the word Indian does not derive from Columbus mistakenly believing he had reached ‘India.’ India was not even called by that name in 1492; it was known as Hindustan.

“More likely, the word Indian comes from Columbus’s description of the people he found here. He was an Italian, and did not speak or write very good Spanish, so in his written accounts he called the Indians, “Una gente in Dios.” A people in God. In God. In Dios. Indians. It’s a perfectly noble and respectable word.

“As far as calling them ‘Americans’ is concerned, do I even have to point out what an insult this is?
—– We steal their hemisphere, kill twenty or so million of them, destroy five hundred separate cultures, herd the survivors onto the worst land we can find, and now we want to name them after ourselves? It’s appalling. Haven’t we done enough damage? Do we have to further degrade them by tagging them with the repulsive name of their conquerors?

“You know, you’d think it would be a fairly simple thing to come over to this continent, commit genocide, eliminate the forests, dam up the rivers, build our malls and massage parlors, sell our blenders and whoopee cushions, poison ourselves with chemicals, and let it go at that. But no. We have to compound the insult.”… I’m glad the Indians have gambling casinos now. It makes me happy that dimwitted white people are losing their rent money to the Indians. Maybe the Indians will get lucky and win their country back. Probably wouldn’t want it. Look at what we did to it.”


When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter
Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to
make two lines. One line for the men who were true
heads of their household and the other line for the men
who were dominated by their women. I want all the
women to report to St Peter.”

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of
men. The line of the men who were dominated by their
wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who
truly were heads of their household, there was only one
man.

God said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you to be the head of your household. You
have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose.
I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of
you, only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son,
how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”

*L*

This is another one of those things to do while trapped in a boring meeting!

You MUST get past round 4. Keep trying, get them anywhere in the RED
Crosshairs and it’s a hit! It’s worth the trouble/effort.

THIS IS SO WRONG, BUT:

Cut & paste:

http://www.ichhabkeininternet.de/flash/spiele/neverland.swf

During an hour’s swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liters of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)

An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects – while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples’ anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY…

…and wash your damn hands!

Reality check

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking…surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story….

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attendedthe local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1971. Why?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”