Archive for the Local Jokes Category

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
(He didn’t realize she was actually one brunette from Wai’anae who wen dye her hair blonde AND she was one tita.) He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”

The blonde tita, who had just opened her magazine, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “Sooooo, what you like talk about then?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK!” says the blonde tita. “Sound interesting, but I like ask you one question first. Get one horse, one cow, and one deer and dey all eat da same kine stuff – grass. But when da deer make doodoo, get cute, small kine pellets; da cow make da kine flat kine patties; and da horse make da kine doodoo look like muffins. So why you tink dat is?”

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me,” says the blonde tita, “How come you tink you qualified fo’talk about nucleah powah when you don’t know shit?”

MORAL OF DA STORY: Wotchout, TITAS KNOW SHIT!

*L*

Are You Really Filipino?
115 Ways to Find Out

Scoring: Give yourself 3 points if you can relate to the following characteristics yourself, 2 points if it relates to an immediate family member (mom or dad) and 1 point if you know of someone who has the characteristic.

(NOTE: This quiz was taken from “The Philippine Review,” August 1995 edition.)

MANNERISMS & PERSONALITY TRAITS:

You point with your lips.
You eat using your hands and have it down to a technique!
Your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box.
You nod your head upwards to greet someone.
You put your foot up on your chair and rest your elbow on your knee while eating.
You use a rock to scrub yourself in the bath or shower.
You have to kiss your relatives on the cheek as soon as you enter the room.
You’re standing next to eight big boxes at the airport.
You collect items from hotels or restaurants “for souvenir’s sake.”
Your house has a distinctive aroma.
You smile for no reason.
You flirt by having a foolish grin on your face while raising your eyebrows repeatedly.
You go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
You use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days.
You scratch your head when you don’t know the answer.
You never eat the last morsel of food on the table.
You go bowling
You play pusoy & mah jong
You find dried up morsels of rice stuck to your shirt.
You prefer to sit in the shade instead of basking in the sun.
You add an unwarranted “H” to your name (i.e., “Jhun,” “Bhoy,” or “Rhon.”)
You put your hands together in front of you as if to make a path and say “excuse, excuse” when you pass in between people or in front of the TV.
Your middle name is your mother’s maiden name.
You like everything that’s imported or “state-side.”
You check the labels on clothes to see where it was made.
You hang your clothes out to dry.
You are perfectly comfortable in a squatting position with your elbows resting on your knees.
You consistently arrive 30 minutes late for all events.
You always offer food to all your visitors.

VOCABULARY:
You say “comfort room” instead of “bathroom.”
You say “for take out” instead of “to go.”
You “open” or “close” the lights.
You ask for “Colgate” instead of “toothpaste.”
You ask for a “pentel pen” or a “ball pen” instead of just a pen.
You refer to the refrigerator as the “ref” or “pridyider.”
You say kodakan instead of “take a picture.”
You order a “McDonald’s” instead of a “hamburger” (pronounced ham-boor-jer).
You say “Ha?” instead of “What?”
You say “Hoy!” to get someone’s attention.
You answer when someone yells “Hoy!”
You turn around when someone says “Psst!”
You say “Cutex” instead of “nail polish.”
You say “for a while” instead of “please hold” on the telephone.
You say “he” when you mean “she” and vice versa.
You say “aray!” instead of “ouch!”
Your sneeze sounds like “ahh-ching” instead of “ahh-choo.”
You prefer to make acronyms for phrases such as “OA” for overacting, “DOM” for dirty old man and “TNT” for, well, you know.
You say “air con” instead of “a/c” or air conditioner.
You pronounce the following words:”hippopo-TA-mus,” “com-FOR-table,” “bro-CO-li,” and “Mongo-mery Ward.”
You say “brown-out” instead of “black-out.”
You say “Uy!” instead of “Oops.”

HOME FURNISHINGS:
You use a walis tambo and a walis ting-ting as opposed to a conventional broom.
You have a “Weapons of Moroland” shield hanging in your living room wall.
You have a portrait of “The Last Supper” hanging in your dining room wall.
You own a karaoke system.
You own a piano no one ever plays.
You have a tabo in the bathroom.
Your house is cluttered with burloloys.
You have two or three pairs of tsinelas at your doorstep.
Your house has ornate wrought iron gates in front of it.
You have a rose garden.
You display a laughing Buddha for good luck.
You have a shrine to the Santo Nino in your living room.
You own a “Barrel Man” (shwing!)
You have a parol hanging outside your house during the holidays.
You cover your living room furniture with bedsheets.
Your lampshades still have the plastic covers on them.
You have plastic runners to cover the carpets in your house.
You refer to your VCR as the “Beyta-Max.”
You have a rice dispenser.
You own a turbo broiler.
You own one of those fiber-optic flower lamps.
You own a lamp with the oil that drips down the strings.
You have a giant wooden fork & spoon hanging in the dining room.
You have wooden tinikling dancers on the wall.
You own capiz shell chandeliers, lamps or placemats.

AUTOMOBILES:
You own a Mercedes Benz and call it “chedeng.”
You own a huge van conversion.
Your car chirps like a bird or plays a tune when it’s in reverse.
Your car horn can make three or more different sounds.
Your car has curb feelers on it.
You hang a rosary on your car’s rear view mirror.
You have those air fresheners in a bottle.

FAMILY:
You have aunts and uncles named “Baby,” “Girlie,” or “Boy.”
You were raised to believe that every Filipino is an aunt, uncle or cousin.
Your dad was in the navy.
Your mom or sister is a nurse.
You get smelling kisses from your grandma.
Your parents call each other “mommy” and “daddy.”
You have a family member that has a nickname that repeats itself (i.e., “Deng-Deng,” “Ling-Ling,” “Jong-Jong” or “Bing-Bing.”)
You put hot dogs in your spaghetti.
You consider dilis the Filipino equivalent to french fries.
You think that eating chocolate rice pudding and dried fish is a great morning meal.
You order things like tapsilog, longsilog, or tocilog at restaurants.
You instinctively grab a toothpick after a meal.
You order a “soft drink” instead of a “soda.”
You dip bread in your morning coffee.
You refer to seasonings and all other forms of monosodium glutimate as “Ajinomoto.”
Your cupboards are full of corned beef hash, Spam and Vienna Sausages.
“Goldilocks” means more to you than just a character in a fairy tale.
You appreciate a fresh pot of hot rice.
You bring baon to work every day.
Your baon is usually something over rice.
Your neighbors complain about the smell of tuyo on Sunday mornings.
You eat rice for breakfast.
You use your fingers to measure the water when cooking rice.
You wash and re-use plastic utensils and Styrofoam cups.
You have a supply of frozen lumpia in the freezer.
You have an ice-shaver for making halo-halo.
Your cloth tablecloths have tell-tale “toyo circles” on them.
You eat purple yam-flavored ice cream.
You gotta have a bottle of Jufran handy.
You fry Spam and hot dogs and eat them with rice.
You think half-hatched duck eggs are a delicacy.
You know that “chocolate meat” isn’t really made with chocolate.

249-345 points: Welcome to America! Judging from your high score, you are an obvious transplant from the Philippines. There is no doubt what your ethnic identity is! You’re Filipino, through & through.

173-258 points: Congratulations, you’ve retained most of the Filipino traits and tendencies your family has instilled in you.

170 and under: You have OFT (Obvious Filipino Tendencies). Go with the flow to reach full Filipino potential. Prepare for assimilation; resistance is futile.

Sunday’s sermon was — Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked , “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80 percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Kono, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” the minister asked.

“I don’t have any.” She replied, smiling sweetly.

“Mrs. Kono, That is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-Eight.” She replied.

“Oh, Mrs. Kono, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world.”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: “I outlived all dem Bitches.”

Unco Boboy went to his doctor after a long illness.

Da docta, afta one long exam, sighed and looked at Unco Boboy in da maka and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. You betta put your affairs in order.”

Unco Boboy was shocked and sad. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room to his son Sonny who had been waiting.

Unco Boboy said, “Well son, us locals celebrate wen things are good, and we celebrate when things not so good too. In dis case, things aren’t so good. I have cancer. Us go Club HubbaHubba and have a few drinks.”

After 3 or 4 drink, the two were feeling a little less sad. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Unco Boboy’s friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Unco told them dat Locals celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending demise, pretty most he going makidiedead. He told his friends, “I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave Unco their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Sonny leaned over and whispered in confusion. Dad, I thought you said dat you stay dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

Unco Boboy said, “I no like dem sleeping with yo’ mahdah afta I maki!”

Kimo did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.

“What da hell are you doing in my bedroom?…and who
you?” he asked.

“This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter,
and you are in heaven.”

“WOT! Are you saying I stay makidiedead? I don’t want to die! I’m too
young,” said Kimo. “I want you to send me back immediately.”

“It’s not that easy”, said St.Peter. “You can only return as
a dog or a hen. The choice is your own.”

Kimo thought about it for a while, and figured out that being
a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and
relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can’t be that bad.

“I want to return as a hen,” Kimo replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,
really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end
was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

“Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about,” he
said. “How do you like being a hen?”
“Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to
explode.”
“Oh dat!” said the rooster. “That’s only the ovulation going
on. You need to lay an egg.”

“How do I do that?” Kimo asked.

“Cluck twice, and then you push all you can.”
Kimo clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and
then ‘plop’ an egg was on the ground.

“Wow” Kimo said. “That feels really good!” So he clucked again
and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet
another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, anden he
heard his wife shout:

“KIMO, GUNNFUNNIT! Wake up! You stay shittin’ all ova
da bed!”

Which one are you? (if you can get da “accent down”)

> YOU CHINEE IF…
>
> 1. You thing you smartest peepoe in wald.
> 2. You haf pager an cell phoe wi you all time.
> 3. When you an 2 other guy talk, peepoe thing you fai-ting.
> 4. Today, steam rye. Tomorrow, fry rye.
> 5. Dim sum you breakfah.
> 6. Noddle you din-nah.
> 7. You don lye eat FISH.
> 8. Most member in you fam-ly wear denture at young ade.
> 9. You mose favrite collah RED.
> 10.You fraid black peepoe.
> 11.You thing you superia to all Asian.
>
>
> YOU JAPANEE IF…
>
> 1. You obsed wi you haih, you cah, an you crothes.
> 2. You wan marry Korea American o Chinee American womah(males); or
> you wan marry white gai (females).
> 3. You extreme porite an act innocent.
> 4. You feet rook funny in way you walk.
> 5. You fraid brack peepoe.
> 6. You thing you superia to arr Asian.
>
> YOU KOREAN IF…
>
> 1. You smoe an drin too much.
> 2. You die instanly if you stop dring Soju an eat kimchi.
> 3. You spen moe tie in bar than at home.
> 4. You eitha drie Hyundai o Mercedee.
> 5. You play piano.
> 6. You actual sorry that Mah-gret Cho sitcom cancel.
> 7. You fraid black peepoe.
> 8. You only condut businee wi locah Korea businee.
> 9. You speak Korea in 99.9% of time on sociah occasion.
> 10. You have least one relative who owe a liquo stoe.
> 11. You thing you superia to all Asian.
>
> YU AR PILIPINO IP…
>
> 1. Yu wan tu bi a dansir, a singir, or an aktore, ibin dough yu hab
> dayjob as a nars, a sikyo guard, a dis wasir, a witir/witris or
> an accountant.
> 2. Yu kip tilling ebriwan dat a mimbir ob yur pamili back home is
> a politisyan or a mobi-estar.
> 3. Yu brot lots ob dried pises when coming back prom bikisyon in
> pilipins.
> 4. Yu like wearing GOLD on your iir, nick, hans an pinggers.
> 5. At leas one mimbir ob yur pamili is a nars.
> 6. Yur sister or daughter marries a US Servicemean, hay naku!
> 7. Der ar 20 pipol sharing roms in yur home.
> 8. Yu hab at leas 2 PULL-TIME jobs.
> 9. Yu ar nat aprid of egots; in pact, yu wis yu wir blak.
> 10. Yu don`t care ip yu ar superyor to all ader Asians.