Loren’s Life

July 3rd marked my third anniversary of my move to HNL. So, this 4th of July was my 4th 4th of July here… too many 4ths in that sentence. Things have changed so much in the past three years. I can remember each of the July 4th holidays and how they illustrate the changes that have taken place.

 My first 4th of July here was amazing. I was happy, hopeful and excited and even a bit smug, full of dreams for our family’s happily ever after in our island paradise. We were meeting up with all the in-laws for a BBQ and fireworks at Ala Moana Beach Park. It would be one of the last times I can remember cozying up to -him-, like a couple…

I was sick on the second 4th of July, another BBQ at Ala Moana with fireworks but I wasn’t feeling well. By this time, we were so resentful of one another. We had an argument because I was irritated by a family near us that was recklessly throwing fireworks and littering. He misunderstood me and to this day still believes I was complaining about his family.

Last year was one of the worst holidays I could have had. The kids were not with me, they were visiting their grandparents on the mainland. I always feel lost without my babies nearby. With -him- there was screaming, yelling, tears and enormous hurt. He moved out a few days later. I never got to see the fireworks. The day was pretty much a total waste.

This year was everything that last year wasn’t. The grandparents came to Hawaii to visit - so the whole family was together. We went to Kailua Beach and barbequed and played and swam and watched fireworks. It was very happy and I appreciate my special new sweetie for providing a calm happiness to our life. I feel grateful.

Loren

My beautiful daughter performed yesterday in a small hula show with her halau. My heart swelled with pride to watch her dance…

I admire her greatly, she has that certain “something” that I can’t even describe (probably because I don’t have “it”).  I cannot help but compare myself to her, remembering when I was her age and my best friend and I were the final two contestants in the school spelling bee. I purposely misspelled my last word, allowing my friend to win 1st place… I didn’t want the attention.

My daughter is all about the attention and is confident yet able to laugh at herself… We had a great time together, preparing for her show, and now watching and rewatching the video… the most memorable scene was when the music started and everyone in her group began dancing to a song she had never learned, but everyone else knew… she had no choice but to “fake it”, all the while having this look on her face like “whaaaaat?????”….

She can’t wait to do it all over again.

I thought this might be an interesting post, or at least, that it would be interesting for me to write. I better stay healthy and live for a long time…

not necessarily in this order:

learn enough of another language to understand and speak, at least conversationally.

buy another house of my own

get a makeover (to learn makeup tricks to make myself look as nice as i can)

have a great picture taken of myself with my kids

go on a girls only trip

have grandchildren

learn to dance well enough to be confident in a situation where dancing is expected

take a cooking class

visit san francisco

visit seattle

visit nyc

visit a beautiful south pacific island (not sure which yet)

visit at least one country in asia

learn to swim (as opposed to doggy paddling)

try surfing (after learning to swim)

volunteer regularly with a charity

take the road to hana in maui

see the big island, volcanoes…

overcome my shyness to be more outgoing

graduate from college

watch a sunrise with my kids

develop my children into happy, caring, confident, healthy adults (this is #1)

to be continued..

Yay! Our kitten has now been spayed and I can feel like a responsible pet owner. The Hawaiian Humane Society had Spay Day and offered free neuter/spay services. We dropped her off early yesterday morning and picked her up today after work. The kids and I missed her very much. I’m kind of afraid touch her too much, I don’t want to rip out her stitches or something… ouch!

This evening we walked through the Humane Society to look at the other dogs, cats, bunnies that are up for adoption. Not that we are planning to get another pet, but just to visit. Before “Spay Day” we had never been to the Humane Society here. I have to say that it is really very nice. I was impressed with the park like surroundings and set up of the facility. They have pretty landscaping and walkways with neat educational displays along the way. There are small yards where potential pet owners can get acquainted with their prospective pets. The cats have room to play, climb and rest without being cooped up in a cage 24/7. The dogs have a grooming station and most seemed to have been enrolled in behavior classes (as indicated on the description cards in their stalls). Oh, and they have a dog park. What was most noticeable is that the animals did not seem starved for attention. Kudos to the Hawaiian Humane Society!!!

The only other Humane Society I have visited was in Flagstaff, AZ. It is at the end of a dusty road with yelping and barking dogs and scared cats all penned up like sad, sad prisoners. Nothing against their Humane Society personally, I’m sure their employees and volunteers are very caring. They just have less fancy surroundings and the animals seem so out of sorts.

Hawaii must be lucky to have especially generous donors and volunteers.

The best thing that came out of today is my kids expressed an interest in volunteering their time at the Humane Society someday. I’m very proud of them.

Aloha,

Loren

I can’t say whether I’ve been busy or lazy. I’ve neglected writing in my blog which I was so excited to have and have hardly even emailed friends. Then I get sad when no one writes me. Hypocritical. I’m going to make an effort this week. I wrote to some friends yesterday and today and forgot how fun it is to blah blah blah in an email.

I’ve been consumed lately with thoughts of what to do with my future. I’m taking baby steps toward what I think would be a great plan but I don’t want to jinx anything or get overly excited. I should know if my plan is a possibility next month and until then I’ll be sitting here with my fingers crossed! No, it’s not getting engaged!!!

Today I felt really chubby and thought ‘okay, I’m going on 30, maybe all the cake and ice cream and candy! that I’ve been eating is a bit too much’. So I decided just for today, I’d eat a bit more healthy. Ha ha ha. I ended up eating a bunch of red vines and a bowl of cookie dough ice cream and pizza rolls for dinner. Bad bad. There’s always tomorrow. So instead of drastic steps which will set me up for failure I think I should at least make myself drink a little water everyday (I never do), do something active at least once a week, and forego any extra cheese, butter, second helping of ice cream, etc. Oh, and dance hula with my daughter when she practices.

Wow, I sound like a completely unhealthy couch potato.

Okay, I just walked to the fridge, got a Diet Pepsi and came back. I can now check off “active” from my list.

Loren

To sum up the last couple of weeks, I’d say I’ve had to be “Mama Bear” protecting her cubs. No one should underestimate the power and dedication of a mother. I am not the perfect mother, I make plenty of parenting mistakes. I could name quite a few things I could do better. I’m a work in progress and love will get us through. My long as my children are my number one priority, I’m okay.

Twice recently I have had to bare my teeth to protect my little ones. Wow, I know no one ever said breaking up was easy but why, why, why would someone have absolutely no consideration for the kids feelings? Dragging them into arguments, bullying them into providing information, rejecting them to get back at me? I hope the person in question will realize the error of his ways soon. Until then, I need the strength to keep my focus on what’s best for the kids.

Then, after the kids’ problems with their dad, my Mama Bear came out again regarding a situation at school. All I have to say is I might look like a quiet young mom who wouldn’t say Boo to anyone but DO NOT MESS WITH MY CHILD. That’s all I can say about that right now except that I will protect my children until my dying day and after I die, I’ll send my ghost to do it for me.

Loren

I was born with two left feet and no rhythm. I am sure rhythm must be a genetic rather than a learned trait. Not to say that my momma can’t dance, as the song goes… love ya mom! I love to dance but I hate dancing in front of people. I can never stop imagining what a fool I must be making of myself. How everyone must be snickering at me…

My insecurity probably started with my very first boyfriend. Puppy love. I was twelve. He was sixteen. Anyway, he took me to a high school dance and we had a good time, or so I thought. Until a few days later when he informed I couldn’t dance and how embarassed he was. But no worries, he would teach me how to dance. Um… no. I broke up with him shortly after. I mean, really, who was he to talk? He was sixteen and dorky and dating a twelve year old, maybe because there weren’t any high school girls who would date him??? Anyway, now the belief that I couldn’t dance was in my mind.

Time went on, I danced a little here and there, not well, not comfortably. It didn’t bother me too much. I still danced alone when no one was watching.

The no rhythm thing came up again with my kids’ dad. In addition to everything else he teased me about, he loved teasing me that I didn’t have rhythm. We danced here and there, somewhat comfortably, especially after I’d downed a few drinks… I had my kids and danced with them, as long as, again, no one else was watching.

Once my daughter became a little older, I was determined that she wouldn’t follow in my off beat footsteps. She now takes Tahitian hula classes and gets better by the day. She’s going to be great! I practice with her (still too shy to wiggle in front of others) and have improved a little. My kids are my greatest cheerleaders. My daughter tells me “Mom, you’re soooo good!”

I dream of the day that I impulsively start dancing, leaving any naysayers with the realization that I can dance, it just took me a long time to learn.

“Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like no one is watching.”
–Satchel Paige

I’ve been feeling very confused lately. There are some things going on in my life where I need to decide which path to take. I wish I had binoculars to look down each path. One path I’ve been traveling down for a really long time. There were many flowers along the way but also many thorns. For the last couple of years the path has become overgrown and was not tended to - it made it difficult to move forward, the path was impossible to navigate and so I went in circles time and time again until I just got sick and tired.

Now that I am at a crossroads, so to speak, I can see down the new path but not very far. I don’t even know if the path continues on to any destination. I can see maybe a mile or so down before it becomes misty. However, the short distance I’ve taken on this other path makes me feel lighthearted and happy. I can smell the flowers again - I can see the colors of the leaves and the sky and the rainbow.

Do I try moseying along this new trail to see where it may lead? If it is a dead end will the other path be gone? If so, will there be another path to guide me to where I want to be or will I end up standing alone in this forest?

I wish I knew the answers. Maybe I should just find somewhere to sit down until I figure it out…

Loren

Halloween was fairly uneventful this year. We did not decorate or anything. I didn’t even get around to buying a pumpkin. In the past, the kids’ dad would carve our pumpkins. He’s a real pumpkin master. He would carve three or four pumpkins each year in spooky themes, sports themes, patriotic themes, etc. Yes, he actually does have good points and special talents. But anyway, this year, no pumpkin.

My daughter has had her costume planned for the last few months but then my son became sick at school today. He’s not one to fake being sick but I knew there couldn’t be any way he’d fake illness on a candy and fun filled day like Halloween. He didn’t even want to think of trick or treating. He came straight home and went to sleep except for the few times he was in the bathroom - poor sick baby. He then tells me, “Mom, I really doubt I’m going to school tomorrow. There’s a 74% chance that I will be staying home.” Where did he get that probability? 74%? Okay…

Daughter was very disappointed that she was missing out on trick or treating. She made her anger well known all evening and was therefore sentenced to cleaning her room from top to bottom. Hmm, perhaps this chore thing works well as punishment. My house will sparkle by the time the weekend rolls around.

I watched a movie I’d heard about called “Better Luck Tomorrow”… I thought it was an interesting, thought provoking movie. The movie follows a group of Asian American high school students, especially the protaganist, Ben, through their double life of overachievers/thugs. I was especially cheering for Ben to stop being a thug - the ending surprised me. Of course, I’m usually surprised at endings - I’m not so good at guessing what will happen.

Does anyone have a movie that they’ve seen that they would recommend?

Loren

Isn’t there a show on VH1 called Best Week Ever? I think I’ve watched it a couple of times, maybe it was pretty funny? I’m wondering who is having the best week? I don’t think I know anyone who has been having an easy time. I’ve been receiving sad news from friends and family for the past several days and wonder what’s going on? Why do bad things happen to good people?

I used to think I had the worst life of anyone I knew. I thought most other people had it pretty easy in comparison to poor me. I went to a counselor once and she told me this viewpoint was “childish”. I resented her for saying that. Looking back, I think it was meant to be a reality check, even if I didn’t see it at the time. But I was young and some terrible things did happen in my life. As I get older and meet more people, I realize that everyone does have their own cross to bear. I’m still convinced that some people have lighter crosses!

I’ve never read the Bible in depth but I do have my favorite sections. The following has always stayed with me:

* Matthew 5:3 - “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
* Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.
* Matthew 5:5 - Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.
* Matthew 5:6 - Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.
* Matthew 5:7 - Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
* Matthew 5:8 - Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God.
* Matthew 5:9 - Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
* Matthew 5:10 - Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Anyway, although there seems to be pain and grieving and worry all around me, my cat is probably having the best week ever. Right now she’s dozing on my bed after getting lots of attention from me and my son. She is so affectionate and adorable, I really never imagined owning a cat would be so rewarding. Sigh…

Loren