Thank you, God, for giving me 2002. It was a year unlike any other.
At the end of 2001, I was changed through loss and pain.
At the end of 2002, I was changed through love and freedom.
Thank you for bringing me a new and wonderful love, for giving me new friends and for giving me the freedom to feel, love, learn and smile.
At the end of 2002, the world seems smaller.
At the end of 2002, I have learned to love others more deeply.
At the end of 2002, I know I have miles to go, still.
Bachi, loosely defined as "what goes around, comes around," is a mysterious force. Do any of you have "bachi tales" to share? The more and more I hear about bachi, the more I get drawn into it. It seems to be a truth that exists in all cultures, with just some variation between each? Does the phenomenon happen in today's world? Is it coincidence? I'm curious, which is why I'm asking for stories or opinions.
I have several stories that may fall into the category of "bachi tale."
They were sobering stories, told by my mother from the back seat of my car as I drove over the Pali to see Kahaluu's Christmas lights. "Be very careful. People who hurt innocent people get bachi, you know." I was drawn by my mon's hushed voice as she recalled stories of long ago from her native island home of Okinawa.
The first was a village story passed through generations in my mom's family. In the late 1800s, the hired servant of a rich Okinawan family was accused of stealing money. So the family tied him up and beat him, taunting him and demanding that he confess. Fearing his death, he confessed. When they loosened the rope, he declared his innocence, explaining that he confessed only because he thought he would die. So they tied him up again, then beat him, then he confessed. And this cycled through several times. After being horribly beaten, the man was about to die. He was sent home and relayed to others what had happened. The man was known among the village to be of reputable character, and they found it unjust that the family would inflict such cruelty on him. Before the man's last breath, he placed a curse on the family, saying that "this family will be ruined and will not see another generation pass." It wasn't long before all the family members, young and old, died off, leaving no heirs to the family fortune.
In another story, my mom talked about what happened to her own mother, my grandmother. During the war, my mother's father was killed, and her family lost their riches. My grandmother was left to care for four young children. A young man who lived nearby one day began taunting my grandmother, saying, "See? You have nothing now! You're no good! You're poor just like everybody else! How are you going to take care of four children by yourself!? Ha?! ... Ha?!" This young man would do this repeatedly, almost to the point of my grandmother's madness. But my mom said that grandma had enough willpower to endure his taunting behavior. She knew she had to keep a straight mind, if she were to raise four children. One day, the young man drank an alcoholic beverage and had a pain in stomach, then died.
And, there's my sister's story. When my sister worked in the food service department at a Honolulu hospital during her college years, she had a cruel supervisor named Dolly. Dolly made jokes about my sister's handwriting and intelligence. Dolly cracked the whip so her department would maintain "efficiency" and "productivity." Dolly constantly berated my sister and made feel incompetent, dumb and slow. "Hurry up," she'd tell my sister, "we don't pay overtime, you know." Every time my sister worked there, she'd put in two extra hours without pay so she could complete her work. During her five months there, my sister was as skinny as a pole, having worked tirelessly for hours with little breaks in between. It was only about a year ago, long after my sister stopped working there that my sister learned about Dolly's unfair expectations and unethical business practices. My sister learned that the hospital now employs two staff members who perform the same tasks my sister was expected to accomplish by herself. My sister also learned that only a couple years before Dolly was to retire, Dolly was fired. "She was job hunting the way I had been job hunting."
I know this world is mixed up and that, indeed, bad things happen to good people. Still, I can't deny this force - there has to be something to this. Ultimately, unkindness will cost you something.
As Don talked about the dead at Vietnam,
I saw white skin over rib cages
And limp torsos bending.
I wanted to nudge them all awake,
Like how I nudge my brother
When he sleeps
After a good TV football game.
I've been recently bombarded with friends who've complained about sluggish, cheap-ass boyfriends or dates. I know we live in the new millennium and that women and men are viewed as equal. My complaints (and theirs, as these women are quite liberal-minded) relate less to equality and more to generosity.
The behavior is outrageous, including calculating grocery costs to the penny, washing only the dishes he uses, never (ever) picking up the dinner tab and forgetting cash at home. I must admit, I was a little blind-sided when I encountered similar cheap-ass behavior in my adult life, especially since the guys in my family were never this cheap, even to their icky sisters. For a short time, I thought my exposure to such cheap-ass behavior was unique - until other people started telling me their stories about their stingy boyfriends or dates. God, like I said in an earlier journal entry, I was so naive.
So I've come up with a list. It may seem unfair or way off the mark to some people, but this is what I've gathered from anecdotal experiences, the merging of word-of-mouth stories from a range of people.
So, here are some signs that you might be dating a cheap-ass guy:
Does not tuck in his shirt. This never would've crossed my mind before, but trust me, look out for this kind. I'm not saying that you should avoid a man who leaves his shirt untucked once in awhile, since on occasion, it actually looks fantastic. I'm talking about careless, dowdy dressing. The virtue of dowdy dressing is that the guy may be doing so to defy the knee-jerk tendency to mindlessly follow fashion requirements produced primarily by the big, money-mongering corporations of this world. I can appreciate that perspective, but I also know that such a "to-hell-with-what-you-think" attitude translates to a "to-hell-with-spending-my-money-or-emotions-on-you" attitude, too. In the beginning, a guy like this might seem generous, as any guy would in the beginning stages. But give it the test of time, and the truth surfaces.
Wears T-shirts too often. T-shirts are free. (Also, see "does not tuck in his shirt.")
Pays 50-50 or less. I don't know if I have to explain this one. I love picking up the tab for my boyfriend, and he enjoys returning the favor. We never calculate. Perhaps if I were to really think hard about it, he may be up on me two or three meals. It's not a matter of equality, it's the desire to give till you find a certain discomfort, even financially. It does hurt to part with $45 for a simple meal that would've cost $20 if you paid for only yourself. But the loss is always worth it when you know you freely give of yourself to someone you love.
Is vocal about various causes but leaves little trace that he follows these ideals. Don't get me wrong - I support the same causes. Healthcare for all, education for the economically disadvantaged, equality for minorities. But while he may be very vocal about these ideals and call opponents "idiots," check to see the last time he did anything truly generous to people in his inner circle. Bought a beer for his friend lately? Brought more than just chips or left-over crackers to a potluck gathering? How about washing the dishes? Or maybe putting down some cash for the car rides his girlfriend provides in lieu of his desire to "keep the environment clean"? I love it when a man has principles and follows them, admitting his wrong along the way and having a sense of pride when he "did the right thing." The soured version of that is a man who is self-righteous and judgemental, sharply critical of all who don't agree with his loving and humanitarian principles. I don't know how to explain why there is even a connection between cheap-assedness and this self-righteous behavior. But believe me, if I saw it once or twice, I would've thought nothing of it. It's just that I've seen it *one* too many times, and I had to say something.
That's my list of signs. There are others, but I'm too tired to continue writing more. I could go on.
Good night.