I had some time to think about my frustrations described in "Violent Moonwalk" and "Adult Screams."
These are not new frustrations, but the way that I frame them is changing - and must. We all have to help each other. We are all fragile. We all need.
Empathy.
Ugh. ... Argh! Ack!
What kinds of words do you use when you're frustrated by the rope someone puts around you? This relates the frustrations recorded in "Adult Screams."
"Ruth," she calls on the phone. "I heard you're going to Makapuu late at night. I'm very worried."
Tonight's a full moon, so I was going to gather a bunch for a moonwalk.
Mom and I go through this exchange.
"Don't worry, Mom, it's a full moon. There will be others out there" (though I am not certain).
"Well, you know what happened in Makaha years ago. These Samoan guys killed the guy and six guys raped the girl. It's dangerous. You better be safe."
I've been on this moonwalk many times. I understand that anywhere you go, there is inherent danger, and at an isolated place like that, there is a greater risk of being "trapped" if someone wanted to hurt you. But to never see what Makapuu offers because of this fear is no way to live.
If I died trying to experience something beautiful, then so be it. I would rather live that way than stay at home and never be able to testify that "I saw that" or "I felt that."
Mom hears the frustation I thought I so cleverly hid. "Let me be Mom," she says.
We say our polite goodbyes. I hang up the phone.
"Let me be Ruth!"
I need to take a walk.
********
I know she loves me. If I could ask her one thing, it would be that we treat each other as adult equals, that she throw down her Mom role for something that I think is better for where we're at - equal friendship, mutual respect.
Is this too much to ask? Am I being naive?
My kindness toward you wanes
And I am sad.
If my trust were blind and my soul innocent,
Perhaps my kindness might grow.
But I am weary, sometimes breathless and weary
Over the times I must second-guess
Whether you will strike me,
Knowing indeed that it is easier
For you to hurt me
Than for you to risk losing
The little you have.
Written May 2003
My brother passed up an awesome woman in exchange for someone who makes me cringe.
Two women were after him, and he chose L. He told the other woman, S, that he will pursue this thing with L, so S cuts out of the picture.
L is nauseatingly self-centered. Her e-mails are dry, as they drone on about how busy she is.
S is your all-around thoughtful person who is also ambitious and has made a great life for herself, on her own.
So L somehow loses steam in the whole situation, and my brother and L end things.
Having earlier thrown S away, my brother now has nothing.
She, a middle-aged Japanese woman with strong cheekbones, stared like a tiger into my eyes, her aging limbs stepping past me in the concert hall balcony.
She did not touch me. I disgusted her.
Last August, my brother became a father without the prospect of becoming a husband.
"If that happens to you," my mom said over the phone, "Mom will not exist on this earth."
Mom moved from Okinawan in 1969 to become a pastor's wife and a mother in very short order.
For more than three decades, Mom and Dad worked hard to give their four children everything, including an education.
And in the true spirit of learning, I explored many ideas, not just the ones handed to me during my childhood. I began to see that some "right" paths are absurd.
My brother had become a father that way, but he was being more human than the rest of us. I want to be human, and openly human. But she says it'll kill her.
I want to scream, "That's not fair! That kind of pressure is wrong!"
But she will curl and cry. And she will tell me, "I am nothing to you, then. I have no meaning." So I refrain, as any respectful little girl would.
I'm 30. I'm silent. I want to scream.
The whole UH logo controvery really hit a nerve for me. I have to carry some of the discussion on my own site since the discussion thread on Hawaiistories.com is nearing the end of its shelf-life.
If this discussion were strictly about a logo in and of itself, I wouldn't really care. But this discussion dug deeply into issues of artistic contribution and how the public perceives, receives and rejects it.
It's not my style to be publicly critical of artists, being an artist myself. However, the logos presented by the UH administration were publicly roasted by many people who said they could do better and for much cheaper. Perhaps the people who were vocal about the logos may have sent in their own submissions. I'm not certain. But at this point in the game, having seen the kind of criticism dished out to the the Mainland firm, anyone submitting a design challenging the firm's work should at least be ready to receive criticism as well.
About the Submissions
I have a couple points:
Hawaii Stereotypes Revisited. I know several people were complaining that the two scrapped logos embodied Mainland stereotypes of Hawaii. But I also think the reader/viewer submissions did just the same. I don't need to see the eight islands plopped upon an "H" for me to get that it's Hawaii. And if the ocean, flowers and palm trees aren't the stereotypical Hawaii, then I don't know what is.
Lack of Simplicity. The submissions are too busy, and they force too many literal images together. They cobble all kinds of generic concepts into a basket. Ultimately, they lack elegance and depth.
Seeking a Sage
Logos, like any artistic product, should make other feel emotions. That end result often does not come about through chaos, but through simplicity. Some of the most powerful logos of all time? To name a few:
Simplicity requires wisdom. If that is the case, we don't need a technically sound artist as much as we need a deep thinker. UH really needed an artist who is a philosopher, too. Short of that, they truly would miss the mark.