Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

A couple of years ago, I had this great idea: make some good-quality t-shirts with "Unapologetically Single" screen-printed across the front, and "...but email me if you're cute, employed, and not boring" or something like that. I am still quite convinced I could sell a few of those things.

Despite that being a pretty good summary of my love life, I received a call last night from the woman I've loved since 1988: she's getting married. To a guy who, until a couple of years ago, was one of my best friends.

It's a long, ridiculously complicated story I hope to tell another time. For now, I'm just wondering what advice you'd give to a thirty-four-year-old professional, still hopelessly in love, about moving on. At this point, I'm happy to hear just about anything, but comments in the "get drunk" or "you're better off without her" vein will be politely disregarded.

How did you get over the love of your life?

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In my case, she reunited with the husband she'd been separated from for a year and moved to the mainland to rejoin him. Is she in-state? If so, that will be harder. If not, it's do-able (not easily, obviously, but do-able).

Hi Scrivener,

I don't know if I could say I've had a "love of my life," though at the time they may have seemed to be so. Only hindsight told me drastically different. Unlike my past loves, I believe yours is truly a gem.

But I think the one important similarity. Things like your ex telling you "there is no romantic potential" or the love of your life marrying someone else does one thing: kill hope.

But that's a double-edged sword.

THE HURTING EDGE

At first, it is excruciating. Your guts tumble and you feel like hell. Everything in the world looks dull. It's hard to go to Ward Centre or Ala Moana Park without constant reminders of what you had or could have. Gone. The finality is really like death.

Unfortunately, that part is unavoidable. There will be pain, and you have to feel every bit of it. One of the most important books I've ever read to help me get through this was "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." It was First Aid for the critically wounded (Borders may have it, but if you want, I could give you mine).

I also had very objective and loving friends let me talk things through, over and over again. We went out for drinks, to concerts, to Loose Screws and pizza parlors. Those things didn't take the pain away, but it was a nice distraction which had a wonderful cumulative effect.

THE HEALING EDGE

But one of the blessings about this kind of "death" is that it allows you to bury and move on - and heal. Before this "death," hope was ever-present, though miniscule it may have been, and you clung to it dearly.

In my "hope" stage, I had so much love and energy inside of me, and I tossed most of it into a black hole. I put so much of my psychic and emotional energy into building a dream that would never be.

When I lost all hope of recovering my relationship, it was almost as if I began to pat the dirt over his grave.

And now, finally, I was able to take all that loving energy and put it forth into something that would blossom - not putting it into a black hole. I made jewelry, wrote songs, wrote lots of prose and poetry. I sang at a nursing home once a month and went out with my twin sister more often. I began to think about the kind of people I wanted to meet and the types of qualities I had that I wanted others to see. I "willed" musicians into my life, and lo and behold - most of my friends today are musicians, and so is wonderful boyfriend.

All the things that I had attached to my ex suddenly became mine. I began to reclaim locations and music and skills that were once tightly knit with who he was.

Ultimately, the finality of your situation is the beginning of something new.

CONCLUSION

Perhaps the simplest thing to keep in mind for now is that something lies beyond the current threshhold of pain. If you keep that in mind, then the pain you feel today at least has some context. I know you have a lot to offer others, and when you meet people around you who "see" you, now's the time to take it to heart very deeply. You have everything it takes to get through this.

Expect the unexpected.

Thanks for the feedback, Link and Ruth.

Link: SHE's in-state, but the new fiancee is in California. Which means, I guess, that she'll be here for a little while, and then she'll be gone. I don't know if I'd rather she leave or stay.

Ruth: I cannot tell you how reassuring your words are to me. The fact that you probably know exactly the woman I'm talking about and why I would be so in love with her helps a great deal; the fact that you obviously went through something at least as heavy as what I'm going through helps even more.

It's a weird situation, which I hope to document later, but one thing that I know I have to do, especially as the person who probably knows her the most, is try, at least once, to talk her out of it.

I know talking someone out of a wedding doesn't work, but I also know that if she wasn't the woman I love, and if she was just my best friend, I'd have the same obligation, because I believe this person is not the right person. He's certainly not wrong, for I believe that they would make a pretty good married couple, but "not wrong" is not good enough for her.

Having said that, I will also say that I have already begun the process of letting go. It's painful as hell, but I can feel myself praying for the bride and groom and hoping for the best for them both.

The days are hard; the nights are nearly unbearable.

...one thing that I know I have to do... is try, at least once, to talk her out of it.

Oboy.

FWIW, a friend of Jen's tried to talk her out of marrying me, and it would be safe to say that our "engagement" (if you can call it that) was under considerably more precarious circumstances. But if Jen had doubts before that conversation, they were washed away (albeit by frustration) and her resolve was steeled as a result.

So in a way I guess I'm glad he tried. But I'm also glad he was quickly cut out of Jen's life. It would be safe to say that he wasn't as close a friend to Jen as you are to your long-intended.

I believe this person is not the right person. He's certainly not wrong, for I believe that they would make a pretty good married couple, but "not wrong" is not good enough for her.

As best friends, I presume you've had dozens of conversations about the engagement. What clouds her judgement on this point, that allows yours to be clearer?

It's perfectly likely that you know better, but the risk lies in deciding to say so, and how that's received. It takes an incredible friendship — the kind of friendship you've clearly developed over the past 15 years — to feel confident in taking that step, and I wish you luck.

How did you get over the love of your life?

In the midst of love, all perspective is lost. I sure as hell was convinced to the very core of my being that my first girlfriend was my soulmate. We're talking over-the-top, Richard Bach-quoting insanity. And the end of that relationship (and the way it was ended) messed me up for a while.

But young love is like that. So my poor attempt to answer your question might be: "By realizing that a life's too big to have only one love."

How did you get over the love of your life?

Not a clue. Haven't managed to do it for over five years now .... not that I'm really looking for a way. :)

Scrivener,
Look at it in a different perspective: See how happy she is with her new life. Be glad you got to experience love, a small percentage of people can only fantasize about how it feels.
This is a time to heal and work on one's self. Do things you want to do and enjoy. Who knows who or what is coming around the corner for you. If you are in the depths of depression, you will not notice that opportunity when it comes!
Life is a wonderful thing. If you are meant to be with that one girl, it will be that way in the end. Everything will line up perfectly when something is meant to be! Count your blessings everyday, no matter how small it may be and put a smile on your face! It may be that smile that will attract someone to you! Like someone said, it takes more muscles to frown than to smile!!!

Sometimes love is not holding on, but letting go. To do so while you can still say that you have no regrets being with each other. When the relationship feels like it *has* made each of us a better person, but is no longer doing so.

When you are more able to grow into a better individual by being friends rather than as partners, it is time to let each other spread our wings so that we can both fly into a future with the happiness and fulfillment we both deserve.

To know that although I will miss you, we must pursue our separate futures. You will always be a part of my life and I will always be your friend.

Tell me when you know the answer. I've been trying and I've gotten advise like "get a hooker" or "get stoned." Although getting high with a hooker has helped a little, it's just not enough.

Scrivener,

In my case, I have never gotten over the love of my life and we recently became reunited, 24 years later.

I was married to another man for 20 years in an abusive and unhealthy relationship for me an my children. I could not find the innerpeace in my heart to ever be happy again.

Me and the love of my life have had many talks about his life and mine and what happened between us. But, we have both changed so much. We love each other truly and have alot of things we are working on, but unfortunatley, only God knows where our lives will go. We just have to watch for the sign and move beyond our fears.

Try and follow your heart and find some activities you enjoy to help you through the difficult days ahead in your life. If you have children, be actively involved with them, because they definetly have been my salvation.

They can't fill the emptiness, but having the talk with the love of your life, or writing that letter and finally help you to come to peace with your heart and to move on with your life. Knowing you gave it your all. I wish you the best of luck.

My heart is still in emotional upheaval as we try to make things work and learn to trust in others again. We have both had alot of pain over the years and have to learn that each of us are different people, and that not all men and women are the same.

Be yourself and follow your heart. My latest favorite saying is from a song and it goes like this:

"So when you pick the handsome flower, Don't forget the thorn upon the rose. Its cut is deep and its scar lasts forever, It follows love wherever love goes.

Win or lose its just the same,
Tears of joy tears of pain
They're hand in hand they come as one
You'll never see the moon without the promise of the sun.
For all the bruises for all the blows,
I'd rather feel the thorn, than to never see the rose.

Best Wishes.........

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